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Welcoming Darkness

Welcoming Darkness

by | Nov 29, 2023

Have you ever thought about the reality that almost everything that has life began life in darkness? Giant Sequoias began their life as small seeds nestled into the dark, damp earth. Potatoes and carrots start and finish growing inside the dark earth. You and I, we began life enclosed in the soft, rich, and profoundly dark wombs of our mother’s bellies. As I contemplate all the variety of life that I know of, I can hardly come up with any exceptions to this reality: It is in darkness that growth begins.

The environments we all began in were full of everything we needed to develop and progress. They were nutrient-dense lodgings that infused us with all we needed.  Was the darkness a bystander witness to our processes? Or a necessary, intimate part of that development? 

I like believing that darkness is a vital companion in our growth. I like believing that darkness is an insulator, a protector, and space holder for the hard work that is growing. It helps me reframe the sense of foreboding I feel as daylight savings ends and we are officially plunged into the darkness of impending winter. And not to be the harbinger of bad news, but for those of us in the northern hemisphere, we will continue to march toward more darkness until December 21st.

Darkness is the hardest part of winter for me. I can handle cold and wet and ice and snow. It’s the darkness that feels the heaviest to hold. 

But maybe darkness isn’t something that weighs me down but rather offers to enfold me? Maybe the darkness isn’t a foe or force that is somehow “against” me, or something to endure. Maybe the darkness is actually a companion and source of potential growth? Maybe it’s in this space that more growth awaits and invites me? 

It is cliché but often true, that the most profound growth always happens in the deepest, darkest moments of our lives. Darkness offers us the most beautiful gifts this way. Darkness believes in us and holds us as we do the work that is ours alone to do. 

We’ve all heard the quote spoken by Martin Luther King Jr. said, “But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars.” Stars are found in the vast galaxies of space. They are far beyond our solar system and realm of existence. We have to be plunged into darkness to find them. In this metaphor, it is the darkness that reveals them. It is in darkness that we connect to these inspiring, expansive sources of wisdom. 

Darkness is here. Instead of wishing it away or fighting against it, I am going to let it hold me and invite me toward my work. May we all pass these upcoming months with less suffering in this way. May we be gentle with ourselves and be held in the darkness that encourages our growth. May we all look up on cold, dark winter nights and breathe in the stars revealed to us.

Navigating the Holidays in Eating Disorder Recovery: A Survival Guide

Navigating the Holidays in Eating Disorder Recovery: A Survival Guide

by | Nov 22, 2023

The holiday season is often a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness, but for those in recovery from an eating disorder, it can also be a period of stress, triggers, and challenges. Coping with the abundance of food, social gatherings, and societal pressures during this time can be overwhelming. However, with the right strategies and support, you can not only survive but thrive during the holidays in your eating disorder recovery journey. Here are some essential tips to help you navigate this challenging period successfully.

Prioritize Self-Care

Self-care is crucial year-round, but it becomes especially vital during the holidays. Ensure you maintain your daily routines, including regular meals and rest. Make time for self-soothing activities, like meditation, yoga, or journaling, to help manage anxiety and stress. Remember, your well-being is your top priority.

Communicate with Loved Ones

Open and honest communication with your friends and family is key. Let them know about your recovery journey and any specific triggers or challenges you may face during the holidays. Educate them about how they can support you, whether it’s by not commenting on your food choices or planning activities that don’t revolve around food.

 Set Realistic Expectations

Don’t place unrealistic expectations on yourself during the holidays. Remember that recovery is a process, and setbacks are part of the journey. You may have moments of anxiety or doubt, but that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Be gentle with yourself and recognize that progress is more important than perfection.

Focus on Non-Food Activities

The holidays are about more than just food. Engage in non-food-related activities, like enjoying quality time with loved ones, engaging in holiday crafts, watching a favorite holiday movie, or participating in a charitable activity. Maintain your focus on the things that truly matter.

Avoid Comparisons

Resist the urge to compare yourself to others, whether it’s about your body, your eating habits, or your holiday plans. Remember that everyone’s journey is unique, and you are making progress at your own pace.

Surviving the holidays in recovery from an eating disorder can be challenging, but it’s entirely possible!  Your recovery is a journey, and the holidays are just one part of it. You can not only survive but also continue to grow  in your recovery during this festive season.

Lessons for Fall

Lessons for Fall

by | Oct 25, 2023

  1. Change is the constant. Did you just roll your eyes? Honestly, I roll my eyes at the cliched memes, “Fall reminds us how beautiful it is to let go.” And it’s not wrong. I love how the earth goes out in a fiery blaze of glory before settling in for a long winter sleep. The earth models for us that change, whether subtle or explosive, is our life constant. I can rage against this natural order, as I often want to, or I can try to take a note from the celestial goddess that is the earth and breathe into change.
  2. There is another cliched meme associated with fall, but this time, it doesn’t make me roll my eyes. It is that fall reminds us that we aren’t made to bloom in every season. The earth unapologetically models this as she stops her work, slows her growth, and settles into rest. Why do we chronically expect ourselves to grow, perform, excel, or “have it all together?!” The earth embraces her own chaos and models that there are seasons for growth and seasons for slowing down and resting. 
  3. Speaking of resting, hibernation isn’t just for bears. As fall invites us to have more psychological flexibility with ourselves, it also invites us to have more physical flexibility. The longer nights and colder days invite us to slow down and collect ourselves from the frenetic, energized experiences that were spring and summer. Just as we are programmed to have daily rhythms, it makes sense to me that we have annual rhythms. I believe there is beautiful intuition to noticing how the foods we crave change throughout the year, turning in the winter towards more hearty, comforting, and warm foods. I also organically want to sleep longer, which makes sense with less sunlight, but I also think holds an intuitive piece to it. I mean, honestly, who of us wouldn’t benefit from more sleep?! This is a time of year when the invitation is really clear to tune into what our bodies need and honor the soft call towards more rest.
  4. Changing seasons bring changing moods. We can be gentle about changing moods that accompany changing seasons. I have a repetitive conversation about fall that mostly goes like this, “Fall is my favorite season! I just hate how short it is before such a long winter!” Winter is the season that shows up most disruptively and abruptly. And then it is long, dark, and hard. I have to psychologically prepare myself for it every year. And in anticipatory dread, I often notice my moods feel erratic and unpredictable in fall. My moods spike with profound feelings of happiness, joy, and aw, and then plummet to sadness and a sense of ambiguous grief. And I am going to offer myself compassion for an internal roller coaster that shows up right now. It just is what it is, and that’s ok. The earth doesn’t apologize for her big moods. She just lets them wash over her and around her and holds them as they do their work before moving on and changing yet again. 

I hope to continue to soak up all that is fall for as long as I can and to be open to all its wisdom. 

Colder Weather and Mental Health

Colder Weather and Mental Health

by | Jan 11, 2023

As the weather changes and winter begins, many of us find ourselves adjusting and staying indoors in effort to avoid the cold temperatures. Although there is comfort in that, there is also value in getting outside and honoring your mental health throughout the winter season. When the daylight becomes shorter and the temperatures drop, you may find yourself needing to challenge your current habits to create a healthier mental make-up throughout the season.

Find ways to celebrate winter and express gratitude for the season while it is here. Being in the sun increases the release of a hormone called serotonin in your brain that can aid in mood regulation and the regulation of your circadian rhythm. Making changes to your daily routine can assist you in avoiding a decrease in serotonin levels and a change in mental soundness.

Here are 5 things that you can do to explore honoring your mental health throughout the season:

  • Bundle up and get outside. Whether you go on a hike, engage in winter activities such as sledding and skiing, or take a walk around your neighborhood. 
  • Open your blinds and sit by the window. Enjoy the sun within the comfort and warmth of your home.
  • Keep your social relationships active and stay connected. Plan a get together with coworkers, friends, or family, and engage with your ability to connect throughout the season.  
  • Enjoy a warm beverage to celebrate the colder weather. Try the new holiday flavors and get a taste of the winter season.
  • Get on a sleep schedule that is compatible with your needs. Not getting enough rest hinders your ability to perform daily tasks and keep up with your mental and physical well-being. 

If you find yourself experiencing symptoms that are heavy and overwhelming as the weather changes, seek out a therapist that can support you in working towards a healthier mental make-up.

Focus Your Goals

Focus Your Goals

by | Dec 28, 2022

We’re approaching the end of the year and the beginning of an onslaught of pressure to set goals for self-improvement in the new year. With all that pressure, it can be easy to feel like now is the time to change ALL THE THINGS. I want to remind you that you don’t need to start waking up earlier, read more books, make more homemade meals, write thank-you cards, learn Spanish, take guitar lessons, volunteer at the food bank, call your mom more often, drink more water, use your phone less, and practice mindfulness all at once. It’s great to want to improve and grow, AND remember that you don’t have to work on everything at the same time. If your list of goals is starting to get as long as a CVS receipt, it might be time to consider that perfectionism may be taking over your goal-setting.

Self-criticism might be telling you that you really DO need to change all of your habits at once because you’re not good enough. Perfectionism might tell you that not setting goals in all areas of your life means you aren’t trying hard enough. If your goals are bred by feelings of self-criticism and inadequacy, you’ll likely have a hard time sticking to them. In the end, trying to criticize yourself into changing probably isn’t going to help you. On the other hand, if your goals are born out of a desire to have more of what matters to you, you’re more likely to feel motivated to achieve your goals. 

If you want to increase your chances of success, pick one or two goals that resonate with you, rather than having an intimidating, stress-inducing list of things you’re trying to change at once. Real, meaningful change happens through gradual, focused effort. Think about how an icicle forms–one drop of water at a time, dripping and freezing in the same spot over and over until the icicle takes shape. Give yourself a chance to focus on improving one important thing at a time, instead of overburdening yourself with a long list of goals.

Here’s one strategy for creating a short, manageable list of goals:

  1. Start with a brain-dump. Write down all the things you feel like you should or want to change. It’s ok if the list is long.
  2. Cross off anything on the list that feels like it’s coming from self-criticism.
  3. Cross off anything on the list that feels like it’s coming from someone else’s expectations, instead of from what really matters to you.
  4. Look at what’s left, and limit yourself to circling just five items that resonate with you.
  5. Of those five, narrow down to three (I know, this is hard!).
  6. Turn your three items into SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-defined). For example: instead of “Read more books,” try “Read 12 books by December 31, 2023.”
  7. Write down your three SMART goals in a place where you’ll see them daily.

I hope that as you wrap up 2022 and begin 2023, you’ll be able to feel hopeful and excited about the growth and change ahead of you. If overwhelm is starting to flood over you, remember that it’s ok to simplify, ok to say “no” or “not yet” to some changes, and definitely ok to remember that perfectionism does not have to be in charge of your life.

Season of Connection

Season of Connection

by | Nov 30, 2022

The holiday season is a season of connection. Time spent with family and friends celebrating with both seasoned traditions and new experiences. Because connection can feel vulnerable in a period of distress, you may find yourself wanting to disconnect to protect your eating disorder and the comfort that vulnerability avoidance brings. However, it is your eating disorder that wants you to avoid things that you previously loved to engage in for fear of growth and recovery outside of your current disordered behaviors.

Being truly connected means being seen, heard, and valued for where you are presently. Without being vulnerable and welcoming connection into your life, you are avoiding a crucial piece of the recovery puzzle. Vulnerability in regards to connection can mean different things at different points within recovery. Whether that means being honest with yourself about your eating concerns, being open with your treatment team, reaching out to your support system for help, or challenging yourself to engage in various types of connection that once brought you joy. These steps will aid you in growth towards recovery and a life without restraint.

Remember that your eating disorder is trying to take over. Don’t allow it to diminish the joy and connection you are capable of experiencing this holiday season. Eating disorders thrive in periods of disconnect and solitude. Lean into your ability to connect with your body, your values, and others throughout this holiday season. 

Ask For What You Need

Ask For What You Need

by | Nov 16, 2022

 

When I was a teenager, I had a therapist who shared an insight that has stuck with me. She said, “Healthy people ask for what they need.” For 17-year-old me, this felt like a revelation, as I was accustomed to trying to do most things in my life independently. I tried as hard as I could to get through the hard parts of my life without asking anything of anyone for fear of being a burden. It had never occurred to me that it might be healthy to ask for what I needed.

As life has gone on, I’ve seen the benefits of having the courage to speak up for my own needs. I also get to see my therapy clients experience change and healing as they step into advocating for their needs in their relationships. Even after years of experiencing and witnessing the benefits of asking in healthy ways to have needs met, I’ll admit that this principle is still really difficult for me. I still tend to be overly independent, and I still often struggle to ask for what I need. It’s not easy!

Many of the clients I meet with who are working through recovery from eating concerns can relate to the struggle of asking for what they need. Asking to have needs met can be incredibly vulnerable. It can feel scary and overwhelming to fear being a burden to others, to worry that your needs are not actually valid, or to doubt that your needs will be met by the people in your life. Despite all of these vulnerabilities, asking for what you need is still an essential part of finding success in eating recovery. Here are a few insights that might help you if you are struggling to ask for what you need:

  1. Remember that having needs is part of being human. There are zero people on this planet who don’t have needs and who don’t need help getting those needs met. Having needs doesn’t make you selfish, weak, or broken.
  2. Being straightforward when you ask for what you need is healthy. Clear, open, and specific statements of your needs can help build your relationships and increase the likelihood that your needs will be met. Don’t get me wrong, there are unhealthy ways to ask to have your needs met. These less healthy ways usually involve indirect communication and can end up being received as passive-aggressive, manipulative, or confusing. Being direct and open about what you need can feel vulnerable, but it allows for honest and effective communication. You can be both assertive and respectful of others’ needs as you advocate for yourself. Some examples of healthy, straightforward statements of needs:
    1. “I need you to support my recovery by not discussing your diet around me.”
    2. “I need help sticking to my meal plan today. Are you able to help me by eating dinner with me tonight?”
    3. “This conversation is important to me. I need you to set your phone down while we talk so I know you’re hearing me.”
  3. Asking for help when you need it will actually help you be more self-sufficient in the long run. Our needs usually don’t go away when we ignore or hide them. They stick around, and if we don’t ask for help in getting them met, we can soon deal with a pile of needs that feel impossible to meet. If you ask for what you need early on, your needs will likely feel more manageable as you move forward.

Having needs is human, and so is needing help meeting your needs! Especially as we approach a time of year when we spend more time around our loved ones, I hope we’ll all feel able to speak up and ask for what we need.

New Year, New Mindset

New Year, New Mindset

by | Jan 5, 2022

My whole life I felt the pressure of making goals when January would come around. But I don’t think I ever had awareness around what type of goal I should even set.

Because if you’re like me, you may have set extreme goals. I set goals that included waking up two hours earlier, the opposite of mindful eating, and balanced exercise. The problem is that I was trying to change something that wasn’t realistic and what society was telling me. 

Then February would come around, and I hadn’t come close to hitting those goals because they weren’t meant to be hit in the first place. Then the feelings of shame and let down would surface.

It wasn’t until my late 20’s that January would come around, and I started to realize that goals should benefit your life in a healthy balanced way. That I couldn’t become “more” worthy because I was already worthy as I am. Instead, I started to make goals that changed my mindset to increase my sense of self. I began to make simple daily goals that pushed me forward in the way I wanted to show up every day.

Here are a few examples of goals I have set:

  • Wake up 10 minutes earlier to take a few deep breaths, and decide how I want to feel that day.
  • Daily gratitude- made simple: writing down a quick thought or simply noting gratitude in my head.
  • Speaking kindly to myself, especially when my old stories come up.
  • Choosing to embrace new experiences and learning to let go of control.

Here are a few of my tips when making daily goals:

  • Make it simple, don’t overcomplicate it. 
  • Don’t be too rigid in your goals; life happens, and sometimes you have to let go of the plan you had that day. 
  • Don’t make goals thinking you will become worthy if you hit them. That’s a big plan for feeling let down 
  • Make goals that help you have a more profound sense of self.

The difference I have felt from going from the old unrealistic goals to the new simple daily goals – is learning to live more intentionally in the present moment. I challenge you to set a few minutes aside and think of daily goals to help you cultivate the way you want to feel and show up daily.