fbpx
801.361.8589 [email protected]
Recovery: A Family Affair

Recovery: A Family Affair

So, you’re doing the hard and vulnerable work of recovering from an eating disorder, disordered eating patterns, or body image difficulties. You have challenged the food rules, you can actually define (and freely use) the phrases “intuitive eating” and “joyful movement.” You and your body are finally making amends after years of battle. You’ve got a handy-dandy list of coping mechanisms and distress tolerance skills that actually work (and you’ve probably tried some out that definitely do NOT work as well). You may be feeling more like yourself, more present in your relationships, more in touch with your primary emotions, and probably a little tired (recovery can be exhausting!)

If you’re like many of my clients, one question that is probably coming up for you now is: how do I maintain recovery if friends and family are still entrenched in diet-culture, actively pursuing weight-loss, continuing to make comments about other’s bodies, or may not be supportive of my recovery process? Eating recovery can be so liberating and bring a new sense of peace, however, this is sometimes accompanied by the wonders of how to navigate a world that may not be recovery-minded.

If you are in this space, know that you are not alone. Learning to navigate family is a common and vital part of recovery. As a marriage and family therapist, I believe that our family systems are hugely influential (positively and negatively) in our development and healing. Here are some quick reminders of ways to navigate a challenging family system.

1. Educate

Here’s the thing: I don’t think your family members intend to sound eerily similar to your eating disorder, however, their well meaning or misguided intentions do not necessarily lessen their impact. Your family members may just lack information. They may even be in a similar headspace as you were when you began your recovery journey. This is when education can be your best friend. Helping your family members understand the dangers of diet culture, the physical and psychological risks of restriction, and most importantly your pain as you navigate recovery allows them to be more understanding, sensitive, and supportive. I often talk about some of the concepts of recovery such as intuitive eating, body neutrality, and understanding emotional needs as “uncovering buried treasure”. Not everyone has learned the things that you have learned as you’ve gone through recovery. Perhaps letting your family members in on your new knowledge will allow them to think differently, or in the very least, be more aware of how the things they do and say may impact you. This can be done on your own, or with your treatment team (I absolutely love bringing family members into session!)

2. Set Strong Boundaries

Boundaries are important for any relationship. Although they can feel very difficult to set, boundaries actually foster closeness in relationships. Our queen, Brené Brown, says that “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Brené goes on to talk about setting boundaries as actually one of the most compassionate things you can do, both for yourself and those in your life. Setting   boundaries means communicating your needs to those you love so that they can help support you. If you are struggling with feeling supported by family members through eating recovery, setting and keeping clear boundaries will help save your relationship   from causing unintentional pain on their part and pent-up resentment on your part. Setting a boundary may sound like, “It’s important to me that we don’t talk about other people’s bodies or comment on weight, even if it’s a ‘compliment.’” It might also sound like, “When you talk about your diet in front of me the story I tell myself is that my recovery doesn’t matter. Can you limit talking about your diet with me so I can maintain my progress in recovery and be open with you about my experiences?”, “I won’t be participating in the family weight loss change (aside: why does everyone like to do family weight-loss challenges??),” or even a simple “No.” You may not feel able or willing to vulnerably share what your boundaries are with every member of your family, however, setting healthy boundaries with those in your family that you trust will benefit your relationship with that person and aid in your recovery. We are not islands; we are deeply connected to others. Setting boundaries is a bid for help and support in your recovery process and invites those closest to you to be a part of your healing while keeping your recovery safe.

3. Garner Additional Support

As a marriage and family therapist I believe in the deep healing that can come from families as they show up and support one another. I also believe it is absolutely vital that we have strong networks of support apart from our families. Especially if your family is having a hard time understanding your recovery work, a supportive network of friends, mentors, extended family, dietitians, group therapy members, doctors, therapists, etc. will be absolutely essential. Find “your people” and keep them close during recovery.

4. Remember Recovery is YOURS

Finally (and let’s be real, most importantly), although there is so much value in family and social support, at the end of the day your recovery is ultimately your responsibility. I yearn for my client’s families to rally around them and buoy them up, as the load of recovery can be heavy and draining. That being said, it is up to you to navigate your own recovery, even when your family may be intentionally or unintentionally unsupportive. Finding support and compassion within yourself will be an important aspect of your recovery journey. I believe your family will be greatly influenced for the better as you heal and recover AND I also believe that at the end of the day it is your life and your peace that you are working for. Although you may be experiencing heartache as you navigate eating recovery without direct family support, remember to show up for yourself and your recovery despite challenges you may be facing in other relationships. Do not forget the most important relationship you have: your relationship with yourself.

Moving Toward Belonging

Moving Toward Belonging

I recently made a move to a new home. Although it is only 35 minutes away from where I previously lived, it has felt like a whole new world. I have only lived in two cities in my entire life. Moving away from where I’ve made a life for nearly the past decade was difficult and slightly disorienting. Although I was absolutely thrilled to be embarking on a new experience, there was also a lot of grief involved.

At first, I thought my grief centered around familiar places and things. I would miss our favorite acai spot and our go-to local burger joint. I’d miss the beautiful spring blooms in our neighborhood. This town and I had a long history together and I felt such a deep sadness leaving. I didn’t quite understand it, after all, I’d be back to visit friends and it was close enough to even go to dinner there once in a while.

We had lived in our house for about two days before I started feeling sad that we hadn’t made any friends yet. My husband laughed and helped me remember that making friends takes time. The first time we went to the grocery store, I was sad I didn’t see any friends I knew. As I reflected on why I was feeling such a loss, I recognized that it wasn’t the place I was missing. I could find new favorite restaurants, make new friends, and re-establish a sense of normalcy. What I was missing wasn’t the grocery store itself, it was the sense of belonging I felt as I saw friends and navigated the store with ease. It wasn’t the restaurants I missed; it was the way I recognized the people behind the counter and the sense of connection I felt with them. I wouldn’t miss the shorter commute (okay, well maybe I would), but mostly I would miss the sense of familiarity the drive is, the way I felt like I knew exactly where I was and how I fit into the world around me.

A change in scenery threw me. It made me feel less sure of myself and how I fit. I don’t know my neighbors; I have to use maps every time I try to go anywhere. I sometimes feel like my friends will forget me now that I don’t live down the road. 

However, through this process I began to reflect on what I know of belonging. Belonging goes beyond “fitting in.” Although I can be highly compassionate with myself and the grief, sadness, and feeling of disorientation and lack of belonging that comes with moving away from a home in which I felt so comfortable and as though I had a place–that was not belonging. To understand truly what I was seeking for, I looked to Brené Brown, who says:

“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance…True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are. – Brené Brown”

 So what did I need to do when I was feeling disconnected and afraid of not quite belonging?

  1. Understand the innate need
  2. Belong to myself
  3. Share myself

 My charge as I sought belonging in a new community was not as much about establishing new routines, new “favorite spots,” or even new connections. My charge was to dive more fully into understanding why this was important to me, to be compassionate with myself, understanding that I felt this way because it was a need! 

My next charge was to work on myself. I needed to invest more time into appreciating and seeing my true, authentic self. I needed to find a permanent home, full of safety and belonging, within myself. 

Finally, I needed to be very careful not to work to fit in, but to work to share my true self with others. My true self who is full of flaws, full of works-in-progress, and full of gifts to give and things to contribute. This can always be intimidating in a new place and in a new experience, however, it is absolutely vital to muster up the courage to share our authentic selves. This belonging, this sense of deep connection, is only found in showing up as ourselves.

I’ve seen this pay off in my own life. I think part of the reason moving has been difficult is because I have shown up authentically and created a true sense of belonging and community. I just need to remember that that community and belonging is not location-specific and stays with me wherever I go. I’ve learned that the risks and vulnerability needed to create deep belonging are always worth it.

How do you see the search for belonging in your own life? How do you dig in and show up with your authentic self? When have you seen this pay off in your life? Do you need to focus more on compassion for this as a deep need? Do you need to work on belonging to yourself? Or do you need to work on (like I do), showing up and sharing yourself with others more fully?

 

Learning that Grief is Normal

Learning that Grief is Normal

Grief is very natural- it’s been said that grief is the form love takes once our loved one is no longer present with us. Grief is the psychological pain response to losing a close family member or friend. When we look at it through the lens of attachment theory, we gain greater understanding into what the normative process of grief looks like.

We tend to have a handful of people in life who we have a psychological attachment to- these are people we have close relationships with, people who are invested in us and help us regulate our emotions and physical well being. We turn to them when we need help, comfort, or distraction. We experience a longing for them when we are separated. With attachment comes a disposition towards caregiving. Those we are attached to are who we are naturally driven to care for and most willing to accept care from. Research into attachment theory shows a very biological drive towards these bonds- they are essential to our survival and we are programmed to stay close to our attachment figures!

When we experience loss of one of our key attachment figures, we ache for them.  But beyond that deep emotional pain, we may experience sensations of being displaced or unmotivated, maybe even a loss of our sense of competence and ability to function. Looked at through a lens of attachment, these reactions seem expected. Our predictable system is disrupted, and we are reacting to that difficult disruption.

As our grief progresses, there are typically some changes in our emotions and behaviors over time. When you think of visiting a friend who was widowed a few days ago, imagine what you might expect to find- a bit of chaos in the home environment, weepiness, perhaps a lack of motivation to accomplish much. 

Now, imagine visiting that friend five years down the road- do your expectations differ? You might expect to find the friend still sad over losing a spouse, and certainly still missing that person- but in many ways, living life with more predictability and emotional steadiness. Over time, we never stop missing or loving our lost loved one, but the way we experience grief and even the nature and intensity of our emotions will typically change over time. 

This very normative process results in what we call “integrated grief”. Integrated grief differs from the first year following loss, when we are in a period of “acute grief”. While integrated grief can still have peaks and valleys, it doesn’t interfere with our day to day living the way acute grief does.  

How do we transition from acute to integrated grief? The task before us is to solve the problem of accepting something that is the exact opposite of what we wanted.

As we come to accept the reality of our loss, we oscillate back and forth between paying attention to the painful emotions and reminders of loss and setting them aside momentarily to pay attention to the basic tasks of life. This “Two Pillar Theory” in grief research explains how we bounce back and forth between these two realities at first- it’s impossible to do it all at once in acute grief. Gradually, we become more adept at merging those two pillars, and the reality that our day to day living and future are without our loved one sets in. We find a way to accept something that is the exact opposite of what we wanted.  And in that acceptance, life continues forward.  

Of course, there are times when this normative grief process is interrupted by some “derailer”- complicating life factors may act to sidetrack the normative path grief takes. In the absence of these derailing factors, we can expect our grief to progress to a place of integration.  

Why does this research matter? For starters, we can place so much undue pressure on ourselves and others to speed the process up. In paying attention to our outward appearances rather than our grief work, we can sacrifice the long term integration for short term “having it all together” points. We might begin to avoid grief reminders, important things we need to spend time integrating during our acute grief in order to get those societal gold stars. This pressure can actually act to prolong and complicate our grieving. When we have realistic expectations for ourselves and others in grief, we allow the processes to occur naturally and real integration can happen.  

As with so much of life- what we try so hard to avoid can end up being what eventually sinks our ship. In the short term, it may feel reasonable to run from pain. In the long run, avoidance leads to a continued inability to cope with distress (the darn distress isn’t going to catch a hint and cooperate with our scheme to ignore it!) 

I hope this knowledge empowers you to step towards your grief, to sit with it a bit today and get to know it. Remarkably, I’ve learned that it’s not present to torture you, but to guide you and teach you.  

 

Emotion Through the Lens of the Body

Emotion Through the Lens of the Body

When you stop to think about it, you can probably identify physical manifestations of your emotions. It’s not uncommon to hear people describe the state of being excited as “light” or a “butterflies in my stomach” feeling. When we are sad, we may identify as feeling sluggish or tired. Grief is similar- when we experience profound loss, there are physical symptoms that accompany the intense, dysregulating emotion. Commonly described physical manifestations of grief are things like headaches, stomach pain, back pain, chest heaviness, weakness or tightness in muscles, and changes in breathing and sleep.  (more…)

Healthy Relationships Start With… Me!

Healthy Relationships Start With… Me!

When my children were younger, I tried to instill in them the concept of “kindness begins with me”! When unkindness cropped up among siblings, I would ask the offending party, “Who does kindness begin with?” and most of the time, the child would respond with, “me!”, albeit reluctantly. This practice made it into our family lore on the day that our spunky Gracie, at age 3, was picking on her older brother. I pulled her aside and reminded her, “Gracie, kindness begins with…?” to which she answered angrily, “BEN, you idiot!”  (more…)

Boundaries and Bunnies

Boundaries and Bunnies

It began because of the pandemic. Or is that just my excuse? Anyway, somehow, my kids convinced me that getting two bunnies as Pandemic Emotional Support animals was a good idea. The breeder didn’t know the sex of said bunnies, but somehow I felt confident about rolling the dice and believed strongly that we chose two female bunnies. (more…)

What Star Wars Teaches Us About Family

What Star Wars Teaches Us About Family

As I start to write this, I can hear my family, downstairs, watching Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker. I can hear the iconic soundtrack filtering up to where I am writing. I imagine when I simply said, “iconic soundtrack” you started hearing it in your head too.  And maybe like me you notice yourself smiling with associated positive memories of this epic saga.

(more…)

The Usual Suspects

The Usual Suspects

While doing some holiday shopping with my daughters, we found a pretty funny little sign in a local shop.  In red glitter letters, it read, “hope spending time with your family for the holidays doesn’t undo all the progress you’ve made with your therapist”. We all had a good laugh (and yes, that sign made it home with me!) but seriously–family time can be the best or the worst. Sometimes it just depends on the minute.  

(more…)