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Aging

Aging

by | Nov 23, 2022

Anti Anti-aging Advocacy 

We live in a world that is obsessed with preventing aging. Ponce de Leon, a 16th century Spanish explorer, set sail in search of the fountain of youth- a legendary magical spring of water that would restore youth. While he failed to accomplish that lofty goal, he was onto something – people will go to the ends of the earth to prevent the natural course of aging.  

Everything has a lifetime

Nearly ten years ago, I gave birth to my fourth child, a beautiful baby boy who would only live four months. In the aftermath of losing my son, Atticus, I was also faced with the seemingly insurmountable task of mothering three children mourning the loss of their beloved baby brother.  

While trying to explain death to children in developmentally appropriate ways (and trying to understand it myself, frankly), we began to talk about the concept of “lifetimes”.  

Everything has a lifetime. Some things live for a long time, like giant tortoises that can live nearly 200 years. Some things live for only a short time, like mayflies that only live 24 hours.  

Acceptance of lifetimes is important, as we are truly powerless to change the lifetime of anything. I can’t do anything to change a mayfly’s lifetime to two days. I could spend a lot of energy and emotion trying- but it’s not changing. The mayfly has a lifetime. Giant tortoises have their own lifetime. My sweet baby boy had an entire lifetime. I have a lifetime.  

The gift of aging 

As I worked to process my own grief and make sense of what had happened, I found myself having a strange sense of awe in ordinary places. The first time this happened, I was at the swimming pool with my children. They took turns jumping off a diving board and asked me to join them. Begrudgingly, foggy with my despair, I stepped onto the board to join my children in their play. As I jumped, the thought came to me- “Atticus never got to jump off a diving board”. We took turns jumping again, and as I went into the water next, I felt overwhelmed by the sensations of plunging into the deep end- the feeling of being fully immersed in water, followed by the feeling of buoyancy in my body as I kicked to the surface, and finally, experiencing the sensory rush as I broke the surface and heard the squeals of children playing and felt the hot sun on my face. Atticus didn’t get to experience a diving board in his lifetime. In my lifetime, I have. We jumped and jumped that afternoon, and I began to savor the experience for myself and my son. I was filled with the sense that I was showing respect and gratitude for his lifetime by fully embracing my own.  

That feeling has kept me company since then- my lifetime experiences are a gift. I get to have them. I’ve gotten to experience 40 years so far in my lifetime, and I want to experience that not only for my own enjoyment but also with a deep gratitude, knowing that not every lifetime includes 40 years. Those 40 years have been a gift. If I get 40 more, I want to spend them fully embodied, with gratitude that I get to experience aging.  

Anti-anti-aging

I’ve embraced aging in a world obsessed with the mythical fountain of youth. After all, the fountain of youth is a myth! The alternative to aging is having a shorter lifetime. And I want my own entire lifetime, wrinkles and all.  

 

Ask For What You Need

Ask For What You Need

by | Nov 16, 2022

 

When I was a teenager, I had a therapist who shared an insight that has stuck with me. She said, “Healthy people ask for what they need.” For 17-year-old me, this felt like a revelation, as I was accustomed to trying to do most things in my life independently. I tried as hard as I could to get through the hard parts of my life without asking anything of anyone for fear of being a burden. It had never occurred to me that it might be healthy to ask for what I needed.

As life has gone on, I’ve seen the benefits of having the courage to speak up for my own needs. I also get to see my therapy clients experience change and healing as they step into advocating for their needs in their relationships. Even after years of experiencing and witnessing the benefits of asking in healthy ways to have needs met, I’ll admit that this principle is still really difficult for me. I still tend to be overly independent, and I still often struggle to ask for what I need. It’s not easy!

Many of the clients I meet with who are working through recovery from eating concerns can relate to the struggle of asking for what they need. Asking to have needs met can be incredibly vulnerable. It can feel scary and overwhelming to fear being a burden to others, to worry that your needs are not actually valid, or to doubt that your needs will be met by the people in your life. Despite all of these vulnerabilities, asking for what you need is still an essential part of finding success in eating recovery. Here are a few insights that might help you if you are struggling to ask for what you need:

  1. Remember that having needs is part of being human. There are zero people on this planet who don’t have needs and who don’t need help getting those needs met. Having needs doesn’t make you selfish, weak, or broken.
  2. Being straightforward when you ask for what you need is healthy. Clear, open, and specific statements of your needs can help build your relationships and increase the likelihood that your needs will be met. Don’t get me wrong, there are unhealthy ways to ask to have your needs met. These less healthy ways usually involve indirect communication and can end up being received as passive-aggressive, manipulative, or confusing. Being direct and open about what you need can feel vulnerable, but it allows for honest and effective communication. You can be both assertive and respectful of others’ needs as you advocate for yourself. Some examples of healthy, straightforward statements of needs:
    1. “I need you to support my recovery by not discussing your diet around me.”
    2. “I need help sticking to my meal plan today. Are you able to help me by eating dinner with me tonight?”
    3. “This conversation is important to me. I need you to set your phone down while we talk so I know you’re hearing me.”
  3. Asking for help when you need it will actually help you be more self-sufficient in the long run. Our needs usually don’t go away when we ignore or hide them. They stick around, and if we don’t ask for help in getting them met, we can soon deal with a pile of needs that feel impossible to meet. If you ask for what you need early on, your needs will likely feel more manageable as you move forward.

Having needs is human, and so is needing help meeting your needs! Especially as we approach a time of year when we spend more time around our loved ones, I hope we’ll all feel able to speak up and ask for what we need.

The AND in Body Acceptance

The AND in Body Acceptance

by | Nov 9, 2022

As a woman, my relationship with my body is ever changing. Each new decade brings new experiences and new ways my body asks me to accept her.

In my early 20s, in recovery from my eating disorder, I worked proactively to accept my body for who and how she is. This journey continued through pregnancies and postpartum, and the chaos of raising little kids, and now in my wisened 40 years on earth, I am confronting the “joys“ of aging and perimenopause.

I know my clients have wondered if true body acceptance is actually a “thing.” I am here to say emphatically, “Yes! It is!”

And

That doesn’t mean the work is over for me.

Sometimes body acceptance is a soft landing spot where I enjoy months, or even years, of emotional freedom to live my life according to my values, enjoying my body as a companion along the way. And sometimes my body acceptance slips and old, critical patterns rear their heads. Yes, sometimes I am “triggered” and have to re-commit myself and put in deliberate work to accept my ever-changing-body.

This happened to me just a few months ago.

This summer, my best friend and I went on an epic trip to Switzerland to celebrate our 40th birthdays. We filled this trip with incredible adventures. Our craziest adventure was jumping off a 295-foot cliff, free falling until we were caught by the rope that swung us over 70 miles per hour above a white-capped river between narrow canyon walls.

We began this adventure meeting with our guides and about 14 other humans, who were just as crazy and excited as we were, to make this jump. Before we drove to the jump site, we had to get our harnesses secured. Unexpectedly, we all also lined up to get weighed. I should say here and I have not weighed myself in years as I do not own a scale. This has been part of protecting my long-term eating recovery, as well as my larger stand against diet culture.

I was initially more confused than bothered about why we were each getting weighed. My confusion became annoyance when, after weighing us, the guide wrote our weights on the back of our hands in large black marker. Our numbers were all easily visible to each other.

I made a point not to look the weights on everyone’s hands but couldn’t help but notice the number on my friend’s hand. Her number was significantly less than mine. I knew my friend was smaller (and taller) than me, but that size difference had never been overtly quantified before. I was surprised at how big the discrepancy was between our weights. I immediately felt uncomfortable in my body.

I tried not to think anymore about this and instead focused on the adventure ahead. Our group drove up to the cliff and walked to the platform where we would throw ourselves off. Upon arrival and after instructions, our guide asked a volunteer to go first. This volunteer needed to be in a certain weight range. Only myself and one other group member (a male) qualified. I asked for her rationale and our guide told us someone in the “mid-weight” range needed to jump first to test the rope. I made a joke about the first jumper being a sacrificial offering and was glad that, between the two of us, the male was happy to jump first. As I got back in line, I reflexively started looking at all the weights marked on everyone’s hands. I felt even more uncomfortable in my body as I realized I was the heaviest female in the group.

My mind began warring against itself. I was upset for how uncomfortable I felt. I was embarrassed that I was singled out as different from the other women in the group. I felt embarrassed that I was different, even in such an inconsequential way as weight. I felt less than by being bigger than all the women. I also hated that this derailed me in such a moment as a once-in-a-lifetime jump into a beautiful canyon. I told myself things I know to be true, which include, “Weight and size don’t matter. That isn’t what gives me worth,” and my favorite grounding mantra, “This isn’t how I want to spend my energy.” While these thoughts were helpful, this moment was still really hard and painful for me.

Before jumping off the cliff, I was able to reground myself in the present moment. But honestly, I think standing on the precipice of such a high cliff, knowing I was about to jump, would clear anyone’s thoughts, as my legs felt weak and my heart raced with adrenaline. The jump, fall, and swing, was the most thrilling thing I’ve done in my life. It was so crazy that my brain struggled to process it in the moment and I didn’t fully catch my breath until long after my feet were back on solid ground. My friend and I giggled uncontrollably at our own insanity and had huge smiles on our faces for the rest of the day. I want to tell you, that was the end of that trigger, and I went on my merry way. 

But it wasn’t. 

I wrestled with discomfort in my body and negative thoughts for several weeks afterwards. I also felt ashamed for struggling with my body image after so many years of acceptance and resiliency.

There was no magic bullet that made this experience better overnight. For several weeks I worked hard to regain peace in my body. I had to dust off and use more tools in my toolkit than I have had to in years. I was intentional and practiced mindfulness, grounded myself in my values and personal truths, distracted myself when necessary, and practiced self-care. I also extended myself compassion for being so thrown off balance by this experience. Slowly and deliberately, this burden lifted and I am re-grounded in my own body acceptance. So here in my truth: I have peace and acceptance in my body. AND sometimes this peace needs to be actively fought for.

Finally, I want to acknowledge that while my own body acceptance has been hard fought, I also enjoy body privilege. The experience I had at the canyon swing raised my own awareness at how I never experience weight stigma because I live in a “normal” sized body.

This experience was so benign compared to the experiences others face on a regular basis and knowing how much this distressed me, raises my anger and advocacy. I want to live in a world where everyone enjoys body privilege because every body is valued and seen as good and I commit to doing my part to making such a world a reality.

Everyone Needs Help from Time to Time

Everyone Needs Help from Time to Time

by | Jun 29, 2022

This month I hit my four-year mark working at Balance Health and Healing. What started out as “just a job” has truly changed my life forever because of the people I​ have worked with and the lessons they have taught me.

Lesson #1 – Be Kind First

When I first started working here I was in charge of answering the phone. Answering the phone quickly changed from being something on the task list to becoming a pretty sacred responsibility. I quickly learned that for some folks, this is the very first time they are ever saying aloud that they need help. And for others, this might feel like their last shot before needing to enter some higher level of care. No matter the circumstance, my good friend and coworker, Josee, taught me to be kind first. This lesson is not just for answering the phone, but applies to all areas of my life.

We truly have no idea what may be going on in another’s life and a little kindness can go a  long way. She taught me that I will never regret choosing to be kind first.

Lesson #2 – We are all human and all need a little help

I work with some amazingly accomplished women. I’m talking credentials, certifications, awards, and accolades up the wazoo! To be completely honest, I was extremely intimidated even just walking into my interview. (That is a story all on its own)

One by one, I learned that each of these remarkable women don’t and can’t do it all alone. I stopped keeping count how many times one of these incredibly accomplished women walked into my office with their laptop in their hands saying, “help me please!” I have also been on the listening end of tricky personal situations that they, as humans like the rest of us, need to muddle on through as best as they can with the help they can find.

No matter how a person looks on paper, just know that we all need some help in our lives, this includes that person that you hold high on that oh so high pedestal.

Lesson #3 – When in doubt, over-communicate

I have heard this phrase so many times that I have been saying it in my own home. And now, when there is any sort of confusion my husband will say loud and proud, “when in doubt, over-communicate!”

I have been saying this phrase at home, not just because I hear it often, but because I see the benefits that come from it. At BHH we use email, text messages, phone calls, zoom and facetime, Marco Polo, and would probably use morse code if we knew it to ensure that we are all on the same page.

When I am understanding those around me and I feel understood, work gets done! I have found this applies in the workplace and in all relationships. Making the extra effort to communicate will strengthen your relationships. 

 

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Eyes on Your Own Path: Dealing with Comparison in Recovery

Eyes on Your Own Path: Dealing with Comparison in Recovery

by | Mar 2, 2022

Recently I’ve been reading Atlas of the Heart by Dr. Brené Brown. In this book, Brené Brown explores words describing human emotions and experiences and shows how these definitions shape our existence and relationships. When I got to her exploration of the word “comparison,” I knew I had to share it in a blog. She says:

Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other–it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out. Comparison says, “Be like everyone else, but better.”

Wow, right?

When I read this mic-drop of a definition, I think about how comparison shows up in eating and body image recovery. It shows up in ways that might seem obvious: comparing your body to other peoples’ bodies, comparing what you’re eating to what everyone else is eating, comparing your workout routine to everyone else’s, and on and on. And then there are the comparisons between your current body and your past body–“before and after” pictures, items of clothing that used to fit differently, etc. Comparison can feel motivating at times (for better or for worse), but for most people, the end result of comparison is a sense of inadequacy and exhaustion.

Comparison can also show up in eating recovery in more covert ways. Like Brené Brown says, comparison might whisper in your ear, “Be like everyone else, but better” when it comes to how sick you are. The eating disorder can turn comparison into competition. Comparison might make you feel worthless or invalidated because you are not “sick enough” compared to others, or even to yourself in recovery at different times of your life. Comparison might cause you to look sideways at others’ recovery journeys instead of being able to focus your eyes ahead on your own path. You might find yourself checking the pace of your recovery against someone else’s, and then wondering what’s wrong with you for not moving at the same speed as them.

However it shows up in your recovery process, comparison can end up creating pain on top of pain–an extra layer of suffering on top of the already intense challenges of recovery. And you might be thinking to yourself, “Yeah, I shouldn’t compare myself to others.” And maybe people in your life are saying the same thing: “Don’t compare yourself to others.” And sure, stopping comparison would be great, but HOW?

Here’s my take (and Brené Brown and her research team can back me up on this–check it out in Atlas of the Heart): Don’t expect to be able to just stop comparing yourself to others. Instead, when you find yourself comparing, bring your focus back to your own path. Comparison is almost for sure going to happen to you, and to all of us, automatically, without you really choosing to compare. It’s a mental reflex that is only human. When you notice yourself comparing, it’s up to you to either choose to stay on the path of comparison, or pick another path.

One of the alternative paths to comparison that Brené Brown suggests is CREATIVITY. In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené says, “Creativity, which is the expression of our originality, helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared.”  You are unique, and what you can create and contribute is entirely your own.

Living life through comparison is like being a measuring stick–rigid, limited, and in a constant state of calculation. Living life through creativity is like being a paintbrush–flexible, unbounded, and in a state of inventiveness. If you find yourself comparing yourself to others to see how you measure up, keep that image in your mind and turn that measuring stick into a paintbrush and create the life you want for yourself.

Another alternative path to comparison: CONNECTION. There are some great thoughts on this alternative in Atlas of the Heart. (Can you tell by now that I want you to go read some Brené Brown?) When you feel the urge to compare or compete with others, think about what it might look like to connect with your own humanity, and the humanity of others. Here are a couple examples that came to my mind when I think of how connection can help you manage comparison:

Comparison says: “She looks so good. I hate my body. I feel disgusting standing next to her.”

Connection says: “She is more than her appearance, and I am more than mine.”

Comparison: “He is so much smarter than me. I’ll never be good enough.”

Connection: “I can appreciate his strengths while honoring and developing my own.”

Comparison: “I am so awkward. Everyone else is so much more confident than me.”

Connection: “It’s human nature to feel self-conscious sometimes. I can be kind to myself when I’m feeling vulnerable.”

If you find yourself struggling with comparison, please remember that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all bound to compare ourselves to others sometimes. Especially in recovery, comparison will happen. Remember this: you can choose the direction you want to turn when comparison tries to pull you off course. That direction might guide you toward creativity, connection, self-compassion, or some other value you hold close to your heart. When comparison tries to pull your focus sideways towards others’ journeys, turn your eyes forward to look at your own path. That path is where you will find your unique self, the healing you personally need, and the singular, beautiful contributions you can make to the world. 

Cupid’s Corner

Cupid’s Corner

by | Feb 16, 2022

Happy Valentine’s, Galentine’s, or I-Stayed-Home-and-moped-about-tines! Whatever you did, I hope you had a good day and felt loved by those you love, including yourself! Life’s too short for self-hatred and self-pity. That I know from personal experience. 

With love in the air I wanted to share some personal thoughts I’ve had on love recently. Though to be honest, they’re not my thoughts. You see, I recently got engaged and with that happy day has come lots and lots of advice. Some good, some questionable, and others just plain funny. 

While you may have been married for years, recently divorced, or never in a romantic relationship, I hope you can see the principles in each piece of advice. While the advice may not perfectly fit your situation, the principle can probably be applied to most relationships in your life. Whether it’s your spouse, boss, neighbor, gal-pal, bro, or your dog, the key to basically every relationship is mutual appreciation and good communication. I hope you’ll find something useful in the advice I’ve been given. 

E-R = C

I’m going to start with some math here, but don’t worry it’s pretty simple. The above equation stands for Expectations – Reality = Conflict or Celebration. The essence of this concept is that we all need to check our expectations about the other person in our relationship. If we expect the other person in a relationship to understand us perfectly, never get upset with us, or never disagree with our point of view, then we will receive a swift and harsh reality check. On the other hand, if we expect to be with someone that is flawed, unique, and ever-evolving, and remember that we are subject to all the same imperfections, we’ll find happiness in the process of growing and becoming better together. 

Go to bed angry

Growing up I heard the common adage, “never go to bed angry,” meaning that if you and your spouse are upset with each other or in some sort of argument, you should work it out before you go to sleep and start another day. In concept this makes sense, why end one day and start the next one mad? But in reality, at least so I’m told, this is less realistic. In the words of a friend of mine, “there are few things a nap and a cookie won’t fix.” Turns out that a good night’s sleep, some time to reflect on the issue, and the opportunity of a fresh day can do a lot to put out the passionate fires of an argument and help us see what really matters. So many things don’t have to be an issue if we just give it some time to let the anger and other emotions fade out of the discussion. While emotions are great, it seems that most of us make foolish decisions under their influence, so just be aware, eat a cookie, and go get some rest. You can sort things out in the morning.

What you see is what you get

Now this may seem obvious, and I’m not here to insult your intelligence, but a lot of people forget this very important truth. This ties in well with point one, about expectations. Let’s talk some psychology to help explain this one. First, there are two things we need to understand: The Golem Effect and The Pygmalion Effect. These two effects are more or less the same, just describing different results from a change in behavior. “The Golem effect describes the process where superiors (such as teachers or managers) anticipate low performance from a subordinate, causing the very behavior they predict” The Pygmalion effect is just the opposite, “a superior’s raised expectations of subordinates actually improve performance.”

While your romantic relationship definitely shouldn’t have a superior and inferior member (unless you want to be really unhappy), I think you can see how important your belief in your partner is. What you see is indeed what you will get. If you believe your person is ugly, lazy, dishonest, and a bad kisser, that’s what they’re going to become. On the other hand, if you believe they’re hard working, attractive, honest, and a fantastic kisser, then whether or not that’s the case, that’s what they will actually become. If you water the proverbial flower and put it in good soil, it will grow, but if you don’t, it’s going to die. 

Now there may seem to be a slight disconnect between this last point and the first point I made. I can hear you now, “but Jackson I thought you said that having high expectations was bad.” That’s not what this advice is about. It’s true, if you expect perfection and shun reality, you’re going to be unhappy. What this last point is saying is if you believe in someone’s goodness, despite knowing that they’re not perfect, they will believe too, and that will help them achieve and become more. 

In Closing

As I write this blog, I’m grateful for the opportunity to reflect on the many pieces of advice I’ve been given lately. As I hope is clear, I’m no expert on relationships. I’m just sharing things that have been shared with me and that I see some worth in. I’m sure my soon-to-be wife and I will have our rocky times, just as all couples do, but I trust that as we employ some of the great advice we’ve been given, communicate, and love each other, everything will work out. I hope you too can find some worth in the advice as you consider your most important relationships.

References

https://www.brescia.edu/2017/12/golem-effect-vs-pygmalion-effect/

https://www.brescia.edu/2017/12/golem-effect-vs-pygmalion-effect/

Connecting During the Holiday Season

Connecting During the Holiday Season

by | Dec 1, 2021

The holiday season can be a time of togetherness and loneliness. Maybe you’re like me, with family spread across the US. It can feel lonely to be apart from loved ones, but we’ve found ways to connect. I’ve got three recommendations for connecting with loved ones this holiday season. 

#1 Connect in creative ways

Find ways to connect with your people. Every year Hallmark gifts us with more Christmas movies than we know what to do with. I love reviewing the movie list with my sister and mom, judging the movies based solely on titles. Some of our categories include best movie, worst movie, cheesiest movie, cleverest plot, and the movie you turn off before it’s finished. Even if you’re far away from family, you can choose a cheesy Hallmark Christmas movie to watch and then discuss your review via video chat. Hallmark movies may not be your thing, but how can you connect with those you love in creative ways? 

#2 Make connection simple

The holiday season is a crazy time of year and if you’re not careful it can become stressful. Find simple ways to connect that prioritize time together (even via technology) over elaborate plans. Check out these ideas: 

Try a new recipe a week and report back to your people how it went

Work on the same craft and discuss what is going well and what challenges you are facing

Join or start a book club where you can discuss a shared read

Learn a new dance and try to do it together– virtually or in person

Go on a walk “together.” This can be walking side by side, or you can plan a time to both be walking, wherever you may be, and chat on the phone

Try to draw something new and send pictures of the final product

Order dinner at the same time and jump on a call while you eat

#3 Connect in your community

There are limitless options to connect with others. Find what works for you. Now, maybe you have a hard time finding your people to connect with. Check out these ideas for finding your people: 

Connect with neighbors

Volunteer for an organization that interests you

Attend a church congregation

Sign up for a class in your community

Serve someone/Accept service from someone

Get a pen pal

Invite people over for dessert and games (someone has to be the inviter)

I hope you feel loved and connected this holiday season. 

 

A Tale of Three Thanksgivings

A Tale of Three Thanksgivings

by | Nov 17, 2021

​​Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I have some really excellent memories of cozy family dinners around the table, taking turns saying one thing we’re grateful for while my mom gets sappy and sentimental. However, I know that Thanksgiving often spurs on a variety of emotions for most people, especially if you are going through recovery. Do you look forward to the large meal, gathered around with friends and family? Do you dread eating in front of so many people? Are you concerned about diet talk? Do you worry Thanksgiving dinner will feel like an open invitation for others to comment on your food choices? Are you excited to celebrate all the people, places, and experiences that you’re most grateful for? Are you anxious about spending so much time with family or in-laws? My guess is your feelings are probably a mixture of a few of these. Even for me, Thanksgiving can be both an exciting and stressful time and I try to tactfully manage family, food, and celebration.

To give some more context around Thanksgiving and recovery, I would like to present three totally made-up vignettes. As you read through these vignettes, I want you to guess which person has a peaceful and intuitive relationship with food. Sound okay? Great. Let’s get started.

Callie spends Thanksgiving at her grandmother’s house. Her grandma is aging and doesn’t have very much energy these days. Callie’s grandma makes the most amazing pumpkin pie and although she was tired, was able to make these pies for the family dinner. Callie enjoys her meal, going back for seconds to get a little more of her favorite items. By the time dessert rolls around, Callie is noticing that she is feeling a little overly full but decides to have a piece of pumpkin pie and chat with her grandma about the way she makes it and all of the secret ingredients. Callie is left feeling overly full but continues to have a good time with her family. She eats breakfast the next day and looks forward to leftovers for lunch.

Tara spends Thanksgiving with her in-laws. She doesn’t get along with them very well but is grateful to see her little nieces and nephews. When Thanksgiving dinner rolls around she doesn’t feel very hungry, maybe because she feels anxious about what her mother-in-law thinks about their most recent car purchase. Tara eats a few items at dinner but realizes she doesn’t like ham and turkey much anyway. After dinner, she talks with her partner about the anxiety she has been feeling. They process it together and Tara makes her way back to the kitchen to have a post-dinner snack, since she didn’t eat much during the formal family meal and is noticing she isn’t feeling totally satisfied. She eats until she feels full and enjoys the apple crisp her husband made for dessert later that evening.

Sophia spends Thanksgiving with her roommate’s family. Her roommate’s family culture is very different from what she’s used to. However, Sophia feels comfortable with the family and excited to spend time with them. When dinner rolls around (which they do around lunch time in this family), the family eats enthusiastically. The mom encourages Sophia to eat more and more. Sophia, already recognizing that she’s feeling really satisfied, politely indicates to the family that she is full. In this family, they have dessert with the meal, and Sophia decides she doesn’t want a piece of pie. Later, while playing games with the family, Sophia recognizes she’s feeling hungry again and eats a slice of pie with extra whipped cream.

So, could you spot the person that has a peaceful relationship with food? Surprise! They ALL have a very healthy and peaceful relationships with food! I use these little vignettes as good examples of the variety of ways that intuitive eating could show up over the holidays. Being an intuitive eater does NOT mean eating perfectly. Being an intuitive eater is more about the process of honoring your body, which can mean trusting your body when you eat past fullness and honoring your hunger even if you have eaten recently.

Having a peaceful relationship with food goes far beyond simply eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full. Food can serve many purposes. When stuck in disordered eating and diet culture patterns, food is often a means to an end. However, when you are able to break out of that diet mentality, the purpose of food shifts dramatically. Sometimes the purpose of food for me is energy, like that midday snack or eating a nice breakfast before taking a test. Sometimes the purpose of food for me is creativity, like when I experiment with new recipes or perfectly plate a meal. Sometimes the purpose of food is connection, like sharing a holiday meal together or making an old family recipe (like Callie).

Diet culture tells you that food serves one purpose: to give you control over what your body looks like. To start, this isn’t accurate, but it also keeps you from experiencing the joy that connecting to your bodies through your enjoyment of food can have. That’s something I am not willing to miss out on. The freedom that comes from putting in the hard work of challenging disordered thoughts about food is absolutely worth it! 

So, as the holidays approach, remember that there are many good ways to be an intuitive eater. Lean into trusting your body to process the food you eat and remember it deserves to be fed and nourished, no matter if you ate a holiday meal the night before. Find various purposes of food and remember that it might go beyond “fuel” or “energy.” Happy Thanksgiving! I’m so grateful for my body and for the chance to be a witness of the healing and growth of recovery. I hope this Thanksgiving can be a peaceful one for you as you remember the things you’re grateful for.