In last month’s blog I examined the idea that resilience was something that could be cultivated, and mentioned that we would be taking a deep dive into six specific skills we can build in order to increase our resilience. (more…)
It feels surreal, what we are experiencing in the US with the Coronavirus. It’s scary and unlike anything most of us have ever gone through in our entire lives. (more…)
I am the youngest in my family by 12 years. You read that right, my sisters were 18 and 16 and my brother was 12 when I was born. Because of the large age gap, my brother and I haven’t necessarily had the typical sibling relationship. I’m not the best at keeping in touch with him by phone but we make time to see each other 3-4 times per year. I spent about a week with him over holidays and loved our time together talking, playing games, and cooking. My brother and I both really love cooking and trying out new recipes. The other day I got a text from him with a recipe for shrimp and grits (YUM). I quickly replied, “Yum! We’ll have to try it out. Thanks!” As I began to move onto other things, I thought about it for a second. Why did my brother send me the recipe? He could have sent it to me for a few reasons. 1. To show off his cooking skills and refined palette 2. Because he knows I like cooking and trying new things 3. To connect with me. Now, I haven’t talked with him to confirm my theory, but I’m guessing it was a mix of all three. My quick response to his text message would have allowed me to miss out on connecting with him more fully. Instead, I decided to call him, which is pretty unusual for me to do. We talked on the phone for his entire 1-hour commute home. I hung up feeling rejuvenated and grateful to be related to such a good human. (more…)
Being braver in our relationships sounds like a nice idea. As we’ve read in previous blogs over the past few months, there are several benefits of moving our relationships towards bravery and vulnerability. But at the heart of things, how do we do this? How can we intentionally create relationships that are brave? Transforming our relationships to brave spaces requires a purposeful decision to exercise bravery every day. Here are some methods of creating and adjusting our relationships towards bravery that you can try out for yourselves. (more…)
In my last post, I talked about the importance of bravery in our relationships. If you haven’t read it, feel free to take a look HERE.
One important aspect of bravery in our relationships is communication. Honest, open communication requires a high level of vulnerability and bravery. Many couples that I have worked with know that their communication patterns need to increase in honesty and vulnerability, but they aren’t sure how to go about making that happen. It can seem scary and overwhelming; many people feel unsure of where to start. Hopefully this blog can be a crash course in some of the best ways to bravely improve your communication, whether with a spouse, child, parent, friend, romantic partner, etc.
The first principle of brave communication is what prolific marriage researcher, John Gottman, calls a soft start-up. Being soft feels a little counterintuitive to bravery. However, a soft start-up sets the tone and creates a space for vulnerability and bravery. Gottman’s research shows that 90% of conversations end the way they start (Gottman, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work). Therefore, if we want our relationships to be vulnerable and brave, starting soft is a great option. This means trying your best to emotionally regulate beforehand, describing what you see in the relationship without being judgmental, and owning your feelings.
Own Your Own Feelings
One of the difficult and vital parts of communication is owning your feelings—even the difficult ones. This can be challenging because sometimes those difficult emotions feel raw, painful, and far too vulnerable to share, even within a brave relationship. Instead of bravely stepping into the discomfort of those emotions, sometimes we share surface-level emotional experiences that may be masking what’s actually going on for us. An analogy often used in the therapy world is an iceberg. For example, what we might see on the surface is anger, but underneath may be pain, loneliness, fear of rejection, and so on. When we only share the surface level emotions, we run the risk of not having our underlying, tender emotions taken care of by our partners, or are not satisfied with the responses our partners give us.
Owning your feelings by speaking to what is actually going on is brave! One way to effectively do this is by using “I statements.” This helps you stay out of blaming language that can make your partner feel isolated and defensive. For example, instead of saying, “You’re never home on time!” (acknowledging the surface level of the iceberg), you may say, “I feel anxious and a little abandoned when you don’t call when you’re going to be late coming home” (acknowledging the underlying, more vulnerable emotions). Owning your emotions and beginning difficult conversations with “I statements” allows the person you’re communicating with to understand what is going on for you and instantly softens them up a little to take care of those vulnerable feelings.
Avoid Protecting Forms of Communication
Prolific marriage researcher, John Gottman, suggests that there are four unhealthy patterns of communication that, if present in relationships, can often lead to divorce. These are ominously dubbed the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for relationships. These forms of communication are used to protect oneself. As discussed in the previous blog, it is hard to connect with our partners when we are so focused on protecting ourselves from risk. Evaluate the important relationships in your life. Are these Four Horsemen present? If so, take some time to think about how you could work together with your partner to avoid these and replace them with more constructive ways of communicating, leaving more space for bravery.
Criticism. Criticism is seen when there is an attack on character or personality rather than behaviors. This keeps us out of bravery because it is easier to blame and shame than it is to show that something that the other person did was painful or difficult for us.
Defensiveness. A common response to criticism is defensiveness. We don’t listen when we are defending ourselves. We also might flip the attack on the other person, making our conversation about being right and being safe rather than connection or working on problems.
Contempt. Contempt is criticism’s big brother and involves more hostile forms of attacking, including things like eye-rolling, name-calling, and sarcasm. It’s easy to see how nearly impossible it would be to have a brave conversation in this environment.
Stonewalling. Stonewalling is just what it sounds like: ignoring, running away, or distancing one’s self as a way to avoid conflict or difficult conversations. Stonewalling can foster anxiety and mistrust between partners, making it very difficult to be willing to engage bravely. It is also impossible to have a brave relationship if you’re avoiding it!
You can read more about these Four Horsemen styles in John Gottman’s book, “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.”
We barely scraped the tip of the iceberg with this blog about brave communication (see what I did there?), but hopefully it’s gotten us thinking about our communication styles with those we love and how we can improve them. Communication is a huge part of good relationships and a great way for us to practice more bravery with those we love. Keep an eye out for the next blog that will discuss how to cultivate more bravery in our relationships.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Last month (October) is Infant loss awareness month. This is specifically relevant to me as I lost my son to SIDS, seven years ago. Each October 15th, people across the nation, hold a special remembrance for the babies they lost. One way we do this is through a national “Wave of light.” At 7pm, families light a candle in memory of their lost babies and keep the candle lit for an hour. I find the imagery of this “Wave of light” moving across the nation to be very touching. I love lighting a candle for my son and taking time to think of him, while also feeling connected to a greater community of grieving parents. (more…)
I teach a class about multicultural issues at a local university. On the first day, the students did a reading entitled “From Safe to Brave Spaces” by Arao & Clemens (2013). This reading talks about the importance of bravely pushing ourselves in uncomfortable ways so that we may feel a deeper sense of compassion, connection, and empathy towards those who are different from us. As I reflected on this reading to teach in class, I began to wonder if this concept applied to different situations. Could we move our relationships more toward bravery? Could we raise brave children and make our families brave spaces? I’ve pondered this idea quite a bit over the last several weeks and I’ve discovered that bravery is not only beneficial in our relationships, it is vital if we wish to truly connect in vulnerable and meaningful ways and truly see one another. (more…)
During my sophomore year of college, at the age of 20-years-old, I began an online exchange with my grandfather that lasted over six years. He, being well aware of my tendency to over-analyze, once asked what I thought was the worst enemy of “good enough.” I said I didn’t know. He said, “Perfection.” (more…)