As you work towards a space of healing your relationship with your own body, you may begin to notice how others speak about their bodies, talk about others’ physical appearances, or maybe even make comments about your body. Part of entering a space of embodiment means exploring ways to set clear expectations or boundaries about the way that you communicate regarding your own, and others’, physical appearances. By setting clear limits on how those around us discuss, criticize, or interact with our bodies, we reclaim the power to outline our own self-worth and nurture a positive relationship with ourselves.

Setting boundaries may feel overwhelming in the beginning, so here are a few steps to make it easier.

1. Explore what feels safe to talk about, and what does not. This will help you identify specific topics where boundaries may be needed. For example, it could be comments about your body size, appearance, clothes, or specific body parts. 
2. Communicate boundaries to friends, family, coworkers, or anybody that has made comments that do not feel safe. Be clear and communicate what type of comments are acceptable and what is not. Express your needs and speak to why this boundary is important to you. Example: From this point going forward, please don’t make comments about my physical appearance. 
3. Be prepared for pushback, but stick to your boundary anyway. It may be uncomfortable for others to acknowledge how past comments have impacted you, but this does not mean you need to adjust your boundaries to make others feel more comfortable. 
4. Remember that boundaries can be moveable. If specific boundaries you have set are no longer serving you, you have the right to communicate within your relationships and adjust as needed. 

Boundaries are not walls, and setting boundaries does not necessarily mean shutting others out. We have the ability to set boundaries to protect meaningful relationships, and without boundaries, our relationships may not thrive or evolve into their full potential. Boundaries create a healthy balance between our needs, and the needs of others. You deserve safety and honesty within your relationships, and setting boundaries can be an excellent tool to help you reach that outcome. 

Beauty standards have always been subject to influence by cultural, societal, and individual factors. Throughout history, there has been a noticeable shift in the way beauty is perceived and appreciated. You may be familiar with social media videos showing hair, makeup, or clothing trends through the decades and note the changing- and sometimes comical- differences the standard of “beauty” has brought to women.  Why does this matter?  In a world with an ever-changing bullseye, women find themselves exhausted trying to keep up.  Unchecked, this can wreak havoc on your physical and emotional health.  Let’s take a deeper dive and explore the changing beauty standards and the factors contributing to this transformation.

Societal Influences:

Beauty standards are heavily influenced by societal values and norms. Historically, these standards have often been based on a narrow range (often white, European influenced) physical attributes, perpetuating unrealistic ideals.  However, increased awareness and cultural shifts have given rise to a more inclusive perspective on beauty. This shift is driven by social movements, like body positivity, inclusivity, feminism, and equality.

Media:

The media plays a significant role in shaping beauty standards. Traditionally, mainstream media has promoted a homogeneous view of beauty, featuring predominantly slim, young, and white individuals. However, as media platforms diversify, there is a growing demand for representation of different body types, ethnicities, ages, and abilities. Exposure to diverse representations can positively impact self-esteem and body image.

Cultural Variations:

Beauty standards vary across cultures, highlighting the subjective nature of beauty. In some cultures, curvier body types are celebrated, while in others, a slender physique is favored. Understanding cultural variations and appreciating diverse aesthetic preferences can help challenge the notion of a singular ideal and foster acceptance of different beauty standards.

Beauty standards are not merely external forces at work-  they also can be internalized by individuals. The concept of “social comparison” explains how people compare themselves to others, often leading to negative self-perception when they fall short of societal beauty standards. 

By understanding the underpinnings of changing beauty standards, you can become aware of how you are influenced and impacted by them.  When you begin to take note of that, you can then take charge and set intentions around the way you want to interact with these ideas.  It allows you to embrace inclusivity, challenge unrealistic ideals, and celebrate diverse forms of beauty. Recognizing the role of ever-changing beauty standards allows us to move toward a more inclusive and empowering notion of beauty, one that values individuality and authenticity.

Last week a client who has been in recovery for several years wanted to discuss her sudden desire to weigh herself. Early in her recovery journey, she “threw away the scale” and got in tune with her body from the inside out. She learned to value her body based on what it offers her and how she feels in it instead of the number on the scale. As a result, it has been several years since she has known her weight, and she suddenly found herself curious about where her body was in this regard. She wanted to work through if weighing herself was a good idea and something that would potentially facilitate her growth; or if it was a bad idea and inviting an old vulnerability.

Whenever I explore a behavior, it feels critical to examine the “why” behind the “what.” Here are some questions to consider regarding the number on the scale. 

Why does the number matter to you? 

What do you hope will happen by learning this number?

 What are your intentions with this information? 

What are you worried about? 

What do you believe or understand about what this number says about your body, health, worth, etc? 

How will you navigate unexpected reactions to this information? 

How will you ground yourself in your values? 

There are three possible outcomes regarding weight. You will either learn that your body 1. Didn’t change, 2. Lost weight, or 3. Gained weight. We can think through potential pros/cons with these outcomes. 

If your body is at a stable point or didn’t change:

Pro: You may experience this data point as a source of reassurance that your body is trustworthy. You see that your body does stabilize at a certain “point” when it is fully nourished and taken care of. This may lead to a sense of predictability and comfort in your body. 

Con: Experiencing your body as trustworthy, based on weight, is a false source of trust. Bodies are trustworthy, and they can be and especially may be, trustworthy with weight fluctuations. Your body’s main job is to take care of you. She knows best how to do this. And how she takes care of you includes a host of factors that are outside of your own awareness. Your body may find it necessary to fluctuate in its weight in service of that care.

If your body weighs less than you thought: 

Pro: If you thought you weighed more, or felt “larger,” than the number the scale revealed, learning the number is smaller than you thought may increase awareness of how distorted you experience your body subjectively. This may be a reality check for you. 

Con: You find reassurance in being “smaller” but this continues to place value on size as a metric of worth and well-being for you. Or at least a source of comfort and reassurance. Either way, it externalizes what is an inside job. 

If your body weighs more than you thought: 

Pro: You may see the number on the scale and find that it is higher than you anticipated and are able to reflect on how you feel in your body doesn’t relate to that number on the scale. This may help you understand that the number doesn’t reflect an embodied, lived reality. You may understand that feeling good in your body is more important than how much gravity pulls on your body (weight). 

Con: This may be incredibly triggering and destabilizing. You may believe that your “worst fear” has come true and understand that nourishing your body leads to unexpected and feared weight gain. You will find yourself comparing this number to either a smaller number you’ve been at before or an idealized number. The number on the scale will increase in its power and influence over you, leading to increased mental energy, anxiety, distress, and potentially disordered eating habits. 

We could flesh out this pro/con list even more, and I think you get the idea. 

Each individual journey in recovery is unique. And what one person does in recovery may look different from someone else’s journey. This is just one example of how recovery may shift over time and look different. While I maintain that part of my own recovery is not to know my own weight, I also acknowledge that there may be value in someone else knowing their weight as part of their journey.  What matters is the “why” behind the “what” and how that continues to align with your values and growth. 

I’ve recently been trying to be more intentional about how much time I spend on my phone. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling like I find myself wasting time on social media, online shopping, or reading the news on my phone when I could be doing things that feel more valuable to me. One thing that has helped me is turning off notifications on many of the apps that tend to distract me. Apps are designed to get us to spend more time on them, especially by sending us notifications about new posts, new discounts, new products, etc. Without the notifications pulling me in, I get to be the one to choose when I engage with those apps.

Can you sense an eating disorder recovery metaphor coming? Mmhmm.

What if you could “turn off notifications” from your eating disorder? What if you could somehow mute some of the things that draw you toward putting more time, energy, thought, and worry into disordered patterns? Here are a few ways you can mute those “notifications” that draw your attention toward an unhealthy way of relating to food, exercise, or your body.

1. Get rid of apps that serve your eating disorder. I can confidently say that, for the most part, apps that track calories are inherently unhelpful to your eating disorder recovery. Calorie tracking apps may be literally sending you notifications that make recovery more difficult. Too much focus on calories disrupts your ability to listen to your body and fuels deprivation and shame about eating. Unless your dietitian is asking you to track your intake in favor of your recovery, get rid of tracking apps. MyFitnessPal is NOT your pal.
2. Throw out your scale. Every time you see that scale in the corner of your bathroom or peeking out from under your bed, it’s like getting a *ding* notification from an app. If weighing yourself is part of your eating disorder, even having the scale around can be an intrusive reminder that you “should” (according to your eating disorder) be worrying about your weight. Getting the scale out of your environment is a powerful way to mute those unnecessary reminders.
3. Get rid of clothing items that serve your eating disorder. If you’re hanging on to clothing that is serving as a “goal” for changing your body, having those items is like getting notifications from your eating disorder every time you open your closet. Cleaning your closet and donating or selling items that don’t work for your body right now is a way of reducing chatter from your eating disorder when you get dressed each day.

Of course, I’m not saying you should be expected to be able to “turn off” all thoughts from your eating disorder. (I, at least, have yet to figure out how that might be done!) However, remember that there are ways you can be proactive in reducing the frequency of “notifications” popping up from your eating disorder. Just like a phone app, eating disorder patterns are designed to take increasing amounts of your attention, leaving you with less attention for other things. This is part of why an eating disorder might have been a form of coping with difficulty in life, and it’s also part of why an eating disorder can end up becoming so damaging. By actively removing opportunities for your eating disorder to grab your attention, you increase the mental space in which other parts of your life can flourish.

Even though it’s not always easy, you can decide to push “mute” on some of the things your eating disorder uses to take up space in your life. Making an empowered choice to put less energy into your eating disorder and more energy into the rest of your life can feel scary at first, but will ultimately be freeing.