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A Wounded Healer

A Wounded Healer

The full memory on my computer has forced me to take a trip down memory lane and peruse through all of my various files to see which ones were worthy of keeping and which could be dumped. I stumbled upon many of my old assignments from graduate school. As I opened one file, I began to reflect on an idea I heard when I was in a particularly moving class in my master’s program. I have seen this theme play out over and over in my own life and in the lives of clients, friends, etc. The idea I’d like to share is the idea that we are, or can become, wounded healers.

Physical & Emotional Wounds

We’ve all fallen down as kids (or, let’s be honest here, as adults) and scraped up our knees. We’ve experienced small wounds: paper cuts, acne, blisters, etc. We’ve experienced larger wounds: wisdom teeth surgery, broken bones, c-sections, etc. It’s always incredible to me to watch the way our bodies heal after they are wounded; to see new skin replace the old; holes close up; our bodies return to normal (or at least semi-normal) function. To watch broken toes and broken legs help us run again. Our bodies are miraculous!

We all carry emotional wounds as well. Wounds that feel just as real and just as serious as broken bones. Broken hearts that feel so excruciating we would have sworn we were experiencing heart failure. Anxious minds that feel just as debilitating as any physical ailment. Grief that feels as heavy as trying to carry a car up the mountain on torn ACLs. The healing that comes with our emotional and mental wounds looks very different. We don’t see the fresh layers of skin or healing bones, but we know that something is changing. We feel more whole, quicker to smile, more like coming back to ourselves.

We All Haves Wounds; We Are All Healers

If there’s anything I’ve learned as a therapist, it is that all of us have emotional and mental wounds. Some that are deep and some that are more superficial. These wounds shape us and change us, forcing our emotional skins to regenerate and our mental bones to regrow and strengthen. I have also come to know that each of us has a deep-seated ability to be healers. Our woundedness does not take away from our capacity to be healing influences. In fact, at time I think that it is our woundedness that allows us to serve and love and aid others more fully. To be truly empathetic requires us to access our wounds. To sit with someone in pain beautifully forces us to sit with our own pain as well. As such, we become wounded healers. We use our wounds to push us forward into more empathy and compassion. We don’t need to be healed to be healing influences, we can do so even as we are still wounded and healing ourselves.

Woundedness as a Gift

I know it’s so cliché to say 2020 has been a really difficult year, but wow! It really has been such a difficult year! As many of you, I have felt more anxiety this past year than in any other time of my life. I have felt afraid and uncertain. This anxiety that I have experienced has felt like a “wound” for me. In talking with a friend, they asked me if I could view my increased anxiety as a gift. At first I scoffed at the idea. Dealing with heavy emotions was not a gift! It was painful and at times, felt too heavy to bear. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this increase in emotional difficulty really was a gift. When friends talked about the heaviness of anxiety, I had a little bit of a better taste as to just how painful this was. When clients spoke of the frustration and desire for anxiety to just go away, I could understand a bit more what this was like. My woundedness didn’t make me less of a good therapist, friend, or healer, it actually helped me connect to people in ways I never could have if I hadn’t experienced an increase in emotional pain myself. My empathy just skyrocketed after this experience and I believe I’m a better therapist, friend, and healing influence because of it.

Embracing the “And”

In what ways are you a “wounded healer?” How are you embracing both your wounds and your capacity to be a healer? What makes this difficult? My clients have been some of my greatest examples of wounded healers. It’s not always easy to get to a place where one aspect does not feel more valuable or important than the other, however, there is a unique power and beauty that comes from embracing them both!

 

Boundaries and Bunnies

Boundaries and Bunnies

It began because of the pandemic. Or is that just my excuse? Anyway, somehow, my kids convinced me that getting two bunnies as Pandemic Emotional Support animals was a good idea. The breeder didn’t know the sex of said bunnies, but somehow I felt confident about rolling the dice and believed strongly that we chose two female bunnies. (more…)

Stop and Smell the (Garden) Roses

Stop and Smell the (Garden) Roses

I will be getting married in just a few days! I feel like for so long it has seemed like it would never come and now it’s here! To say I am excited is an understatement. I am also very excited to stop stressing about all the little details of wedding planning. Although I have actually had a lot of fun planning and preparing, it will be nice to not have wedding details constantly running through the back of my mind.

About a week ago, I was feeling very overwhelmed. It seems like every day something new came up to plan or prep that I hadn’t thought of. I’ve planned large-scale events before, so I was surprised every time I realized there was something else we needed to consider. It was all quickly becoming too much. Juggling work/clients that needed my full attention, students and a class that required emotional and mental effort, relationships, moving, wedding planning, attending wedding events, etc. was really weighing on me. I was not having a very fun time anymore and that made me sad. I plan for this to be my only wedding and the stress was really getting to me.           

I talked with my very level-headed and calm fiancé about this. We resolved to spend more time enjoying what we were doing and to stay present and engaged with whatever was taking our attention at the time. I set my intention to find more joy in the process.

The Perfect Bouquet

One of my unknown hobbies is floral design. I took a class in college and absolutely became obsessed with the unique colors, shapes, and textures florals offered. I decided to create my own bouquet for our bridal photos and was so excited to spend time working with high-quality flowers. I went to the flower wholesaler and spent about an hour in the cooler with all of the blooms. I stumbled across the perfect shade and variety of roses—garden roses, my very favorite. I’m running the risk of sounding dramatic, but I almost cried seeing them. My heart was so thrilled by the beautiful and unique flowers. I was so excited to go home and spend time assembling the perfect bouquet.

The bouquet turned out to be stressful as well. My floral design skills were rusty and I found myself taking to the internet to look up floral design tutorials. I accidentally dropped my first arrangement on the ground, snapping off the heads of several of the precious and very expensive “red tess” garden roses. I was not having a very good time with this endeavor. This exciting, creative, fun process suddenly felt exhausting and stressful, just like the rest of wedding planning.

I thought about it for a second and recognized that although it was okay and made sense that I was frustrated, my frustration was coming from my high expectations of my floral-arranging experience. I did not have to continue to feel defeated and sad. Instead, I could change my expectations to be “have a fun and enjoyable experience engaging in something I love.” I needed to drop the expectations that my florals would look like professional Instagram florist pages. I decided to try again, to just enjoy the process and the journey creating.

This time was much more successful and fun. I found myself returning to the feeling in the floral cooler at the wholesaler. I was excited and almost giddy. The bouquet turned out beautifully, although not professional level (I’m not a professional, so duh it didn’t look that way).

Iphone Bridals 

The next day when we went to take our bridals my future sister-in-law, who was taking our photos, had a catastrophe with her camera and it was rendered useless until it could be professionally examined. She was so disappointed and felt horribly. However, I did not bat an eye. I returned to my intention of being excited, happy, and enjoying the journey. I was in a beautiful landscape with people I loved, playing dress-up with my fiancé, and filled with so much joy. Although our bridals were taken on an iPhone, I am not disappointed! We had a blast and my expectations of “Instagram-worthy perfection” wasn’t helpful anyways. So, in my black winter boots (the snow was very deep), with a homemade, rustic-looking bouquet, we took photos on an iPhone and I couldn’t be happier.

Although it is okay for us to feel disappointment, stress, and discouragement, these feelings are sometimes rooted in our unrealistic expectations and perfectionism. Unfortunately, these two things can steal away our ability to see things as good and meaningful, although imperfect.

Challenge Perfectionistic Expectations 

I don’t know if there’s a magical solution for moving away from this style of thinking, but I have found it very helpful for me to recognize when my expectations and perfectionistic tendencies are getting in the way of me being present and experiencing joy. I think the first step to moving past this is to spend more time recognizing these thinking patterns within ourselves. When we feel discouragement, anger, overwhelm, etc. it might be helpful for us to do a quick internal and compassionate inventory: Why am feeling this way? Could this problem be lessened if my expectations were adjusted? Are my expectations getting in the way of me enjoying what I have and staying present? How do I shoot for “good” rather than the ever-elusive “perfect.”

As I was able to understand my own thought processes and emotions, everything changed for me! It doesn’t mean I don’t still experience stress during this time of planning and prep, but the overwhelm and desire for things to be “just so” has decreased significantly. I can more readily challenge these unhelpful thoughts now that I am more aware of them. What unhelpful thoughts of perfection and unrealistic expectations are getting in the way of your joy and presence? Drop a comment below or on our Facebook page and let us know!

Emotional Needs and Microspikes

Emotional Needs and Microspikes

“Deep breath and don’t look down,” I counseled myself with frozen fingers cemented to the bolted chains, as my shoes slipped beneath me on the icy cliff face. I wished for the hundredth time that day that I had brought my microspikes. It also wasn’t the first time during my December summit up Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park, that I wondered if this was a good idea. (more…)

Harnessing Self-Compassion

Harnessing Self-Compassion

I once heard it said that you can motivate a donkey to carry you to town in one of two ways: you can whip the donkey, forcing him to move out of fear of pain, or you can hold carrots in front of him, lovingly encouraging him to move forward to receive his next reward. Both are legitimate ways to get the donkey to do what you need him to do. (more…)

The AND Inside All of Us

The AND Inside All of Us

One of my children is notoriously harder for me than my other children. On my good, grounded, calm days, I remind myself that she is the child with the most to teach me. I wish I had more good, calm, grounded days.

Today happens to be one of those good days. So I want to put thoughts to paper on something important my seven-year-old daughter is teaching me.

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Are Your Goals SMART?

Are Your Goals SMART?

Well…it’s that time of year again. The time when all we hear about are New Year’s resolutions and pledges of “new year, new me”. We are accosted with wishes of weight loss through new faddy diets, goals of success in “get rich quick” schemes, and daydreams of how things will certainly be different this new year. As the clock turns midnight, signifying the start of a new calendar year, we almost expect our lives to take a total turn, for it to be easier for us to act differently and become a new person. While I think it is important to be mindful of certain aspects of ourselves that we could lovingly improve, I do not think it is necessary (or really…possible) to become a new version of yourself just because we write the calendar year with a different number now. So, with that in mind, I’d like to present some SMART goals for 2021.

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Resolutions Vs Goals

Resolutions Vs Goals

Oh, January.

In some ways you are a very welcome reprieve, signaling the end of 2020 and a fresh start to a new beginning.

And in other ways you bring the burden of goals and resolutions. Oh, and the cold, dreary weather without the excitement of Christmas to shroud the chill.

But I think, ultimately, we as a whole are excited for January. But I wanted to talk to you today about goals.

Goal-setting is really important. Setting goals makes sure we are moving and progressing in life. The beloved Mark Twain once said, “Without dreams & goals there is no living, only merely existing, and that is not why we are here.”

But how do you make sure that the goals you are setting are good ones and not some lame resolutions that are absolutely unattainable?

Resisting the Resolution Hype

The main problem with resolutions is that they are made while sitting around the kitchen table with your family usually on a scrap piece of paper and placed in a jar that will never be looked at again. There is often no real thought about what resolution you are making, and rarely insight on if the resolution is attainable.

I did a quick google search to see the top 5 resolutions made each year and here is one from inc.com:

  • Diet or eat healthier
  • Exercise more
  • Lose weight
  • Save more & spend less
  • Learn a new skill or hobby

First off, the fact that the first 3 have to do with weight loss is a whole other topic that deserves its own blog post. But what I really want to focus on today is how these resolutions fail to measure success. For example, what does ‘exercise more’ even mean? Kill yourself with cardio machines that you hate every single day of the year? That sounds like a terrible, terrible idea for many reasons. And then what does ‘save more & spend less’ mean? Save $1 more? $1,000 more? Who really knows!

None of these top 5 most popular resolutions year after year have any way to succeed because they are so broad and unspecific. No wonder 80% of all resolutions are broken within the first month of the year.

SMART Goals

So to resist the resolution hype, try making SMART goals instead. SMART goals stand for:

S – Specific (or other ‘S’ words I think are fitting: simple, sensible, significant)

M – Measurable (or meaningful, motivating)

A – Achievable (or agreeable, attainable)

R – Relevant (or reasonable, realistic, results-based)

T – Time-Based (or time-sensitive, time bound)

Like I mentioned before, resolutions are often none of these things. They are too broad, too unattainable, and don’t have a real end goal in sight (other than to never eat sugar again & swear off swearing forever)!

When you make a SMART goal, you set yourself up for success. You lay out very specifically what your goal is, why your goal is important, how you will know when your goal is accomplished, how you can accomplish your goal and if it is even realistic (looking at you “no carbs ever again” resolution), if your goal is worthwhile and if it’s the right time to set your goal.

I love the thought of if it’s the right time to set your goal. Maybe saving a big lump sum of money this year is a goal you’ve thought about. You could break down how much you make and how much you could save per paycheck. But I challenge you to really think about the timing. With everything going on in the world, and work being so unsteady, maybe right now isn’t the best time to save so much. Maybe cut that amount in half and check in with yourself to see if that feels a little bit better.

Set Those Goals

Like I mentioned in the beginning of this blog post, it is very important to set goals. It just doesn’t do much if we don’t have the right intentions or a very concrete step by step on how to achieve said goal. So, as you sit down and make a few goals for yourself this year, think about where you are in life (seeing that we all just made it through 2020), what you want to accomplish, why you want to accomplish it and how you are going to do it.

I’m also going to challenge you to set a goal that has absolutely nothing to do with changing your body. Instead, focus on goals that bring more balance to all areas of your life.

Use the SMART goal framework (there are a ton of resources online!), and really be intentional about your goals for 2021.

And to finish, one of my favorite quotes:

“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”
― Henry David Thoreau

With that, go and set a few SMART goals that will make you proud of who you become as you work on achieving them.

 

Resources:

Pursue What Matters Episode 61 – Goal Check

Resolutions Article

 Top 3 Reasons New Years Resolutions Fail Forbes Article

SMART Goal Framework to get you started