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A New Perspective on Body Image Concerns

A New Perspective on Body Image Concerns

by | Jan 25, 2023

As I write this blog, I am 37 weeks (9 months) pregnant. I have felt lucky in the sense that pregnancy and motherhood have, for the most part, been incredibly healing for my relationship with my body. I’ve learned to respect and appreciate my body in ways I never did before, and I’ve had some beautiful moments of true body love as my body, and I have worked together to bring my children into the world.

This pregnancy, however, has thrown me more body image curveballs than I’ve had to deal with in years. My capacity to respect and honor my body as it has changed and expanded (and expanded, and expanded!) has been challenged. For the past nine months, I’ve felt pretty grumpy in my body. I’ve felt frustrated with the physical discomfort, exhaustion, and limitations brought on by this pregnancy. I’ve officially outgrown some of my maternity clothes, and choosing outfits has sometimes felt stressful. At times, I’ve felt very uncomfortable with my body’s appearance, and haven’t loved seeing photos of myself or catching my reflection in the mirror.

Even though the physical and emotional discomfort with my body has felt challenging at times, I’ve also felt increased commitment to being kind to my body during this time. For me, kindness has meant getting as much rest as I can, continuing to feed my body the foods and portions that taste and feel good, and slowing down significantly on physical activity. I’ve also chosen to step on the scale backwards at all of my doctor’s appointments, because I know that being aware of my weight has the potential to make it harder for me to fulfill my intentions to care for my body’s needs. My body is softer, rounder, fleshier, and probably heavier than it has ever been. Even though these changes have made body image more of a challenge, being patient with and kind to my body is more of a priority now than it ever has been.

I share all of this for a couple of reasons. First, I want to normalize body image struggles. I am a licensed therapist who specializes in supporting clients with eating disorders and body image concerns. Generally, my body image is pretty good! And, I am not immune to occasional body image woes of my own. I have enjoyed full recovery from my own eating disorder for years, and I still have some ups and downs with body image. If you have body image struggles, know you’re not alone. (An important note: I do live with body privilege because of my body type. My privilege doesn’t exempt me from body image struggles but is a factor in how I and the world around me experience my body.)

Second, it’s important to acknowledge that body image struggles can exist alongside respectful, caring treatment of our bodies. Yes, you can feel uncomfortable with your body’s appearance, AND you can choose to continue to take care of your body. You can feel upset by how your body looks, and not try to force it to change. It’s possible to feel multiple ways about your body at the same time. Mixed feelings about your body are to be expected because having a body is an inherently complex experience. Here are a few of the mixed feelings I’ve had about my body during this pregnancy:

I don’t really like how my pregnant body looks sometimes. I’m also awestruck by the amazing feats my body is capable of.

I feel frustrated that my body is uncomfortable, in pain, and exhausted. I also know my body is doing her best for me and for my baby.

Part of me wishes to be in a smaller body. I am also committed to nourishing and respecting my pregnant (and postpartum body), even if I don’t love how it looks.

Sometimes the harder parts of “mixed feelings,” the ones that lead you to criticize yourself and feel like you need to change your body, are easier to notice than the kind, accepting parts. If you are struggling with your body image, and feeling the pull of dieting or disordered eating, please remember that you don’t have to go there. You can remind yourself that your body is doing amazing things for you, constantly, and deserves your respect and care. You don’t have to love how your body looks in order to be kind to it. You can be struggling with your body image, and still remain committed to recovery and body respect. Body image can be full of challenges, but it doesn’t have to pull you off track in your recovery.

Focus Your Goals

Focus Your Goals

by | Dec 28, 2022

We’re approaching the end of the year and the beginning of an onslaught of pressure to set goals for self-improvement in the new year. With all that pressure, it can be easy to feel like now is the time to change ALL THE THINGS. I want to remind you that you don’t need to start waking up earlier, read more books, make more homemade meals, write thank-you cards, learn Spanish, take guitar lessons, volunteer at the food bank, call your mom more often, drink more water, use your phone less, and practice mindfulness all at once. It’s great to want to improve and grow, AND remember that you don’t have to work on everything at the same time. If your list of goals is starting to get as long as a CVS receipt, it might be time to consider that perfectionism may be taking over your goal-setting.

Self-criticism might be telling you that you really DO need to change all of your habits at once because you’re not good enough. Perfectionism might tell you that not setting goals in all areas of your life means you aren’t trying hard enough. If your goals are bred by feelings of self-criticism and inadequacy, you’ll likely have a hard time sticking to them. In the end, trying to criticize yourself into changing probably isn’t going to help you. On the other hand, if your goals are born out of a desire to have more of what matters to you, you’re more likely to feel motivated to achieve your goals. 

If you want to increase your chances of success, pick one or two goals that resonate with you, rather than having an intimidating, stress-inducing list of things you’re trying to change at once. Real, meaningful change happens through gradual, focused effort. Think about how an icicle forms–one drop of water at a time, dripping and freezing in the same spot over and over until the icicle takes shape. Give yourself a chance to focus on improving one important thing at a time, instead of overburdening yourself with a long list of goals.

Here’s one strategy for creating a short, manageable list of goals:

  1. Start with a brain-dump. Write down all the things you feel like you should or want to change. It’s ok if the list is long.
  2. Cross off anything on the list that feels like it’s coming from self-criticism.
  3. Cross off anything on the list that feels like it’s coming from someone else’s expectations, instead of from what really matters to you.
  4. Look at what’s left, and limit yourself to circling just five items that resonate with you.
  5. Of those five, narrow down to three (I know, this is hard!).
  6. Turn your three items into SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-defined). For example: instead of “Read more books,” try “Read 12 books by December 31, 2023.”
  7. Write down your three SMART goals in a place where you’ll see them daily.

I hope that as you wrap up 2022 and begin 2023, you’ll be able to feel hopeful and excited about the growth and change ahead of you. If overwhelm is starting to flood over you, remember that it’s ok to simplify, ok to say “no” or “not yet” to some changes, and definitely ok to remember that perfectionism does not have to be in charge of your life.

Ask For What You Need

Ask For What You Need

by | Nov 16, 2022

 

When I was a teenager, I had a therapist who shared an insight that has stuck with me. She said, “Healthy people ask for what they need.” For 17-year-old me, this felt like a revelation, as I was accustomed to trying to do most things in my life independently. I tried as hard as I could to get through the hard parts of my life without asking anything of anyone for fear of being a burden. It had never occurred to me that it might be healthy to ask for what I needed.

As life has gone on, I’ve seen the benefits of having the courage to speak up for my own needs. I also get to see my therapy clients experience change and healing as they step into advocating for their needs in their relationships. Even after years of experiencing and witnessing the benefits of asking in healthy ways to have needs met, I’ll admit that this principle is still really difficult for me. I still tend to be overly independent, and I still often struggle to ask for what I need. It’s not easy!

Many of the clients I meet with who are working through recovery from eating concerns can relate to the struggle of asking for what they need. Asking to have needs met can be incredibly vulnerable. It can feel scary and overwhelming to fear being a burden to others, to worry that your needs are not actually valid, or to doubt that your needs will be met by the people in your life. Despite all of these vulnerabilities, asking for what you need is still an essential part of finding success in eating recovery. Here are a few insights that might help you if you are struggling to ask for what you need:

  1. Remember that having needs is part of being human. There are zero people on this planet who don’t have needs and who don’t need help getting those needs met. Having needs doesn’t make you selfish, weak, or broken.
  2. Being straightforward when you ask for what you need is healthy. Clear, open, and specific statements of your needs can help build your relationships and increase the likelihood that your needs will be met. Don’t get me wrong, there are unhealthy ways to ask to have your needs met. These less healthy ways usually involve indirect communication and can end up being received as passive-aggressive, manipulative, or confusing. Being direct and open about what you need can feel vulnerable, but it allows for honest and effective communication. You can be both assertive and respectful of others’ needs as you advocate for yourself. Some examples of healthy, straightforward statements of needs:
    1. “I need you to support my recovery by not discussing your diet around me.”
    2. “I need help sticking to my meal plan today. Are you able to help me by eating dinner with me tonight?”
    3. “This conversation is important to me. I need you to set your phone down while we talk so I know you’re hearing me.”
  3. Asking for help when you need it will actually help you be more self-sufficient in the long run. Our needs usually don’t go away when we ignore or hide them. They stick around, and if we don’t ask for help in getting them met, we can soon deal with a pile of needs that feel impossible to meet. If you ask for what you need early on, your needs will likely feel more manageable as you move forward.

Having needs is human, and so is needing help meeting your needs! Especially as we approach a time of year when we spend more time around our loved ones, I hope we’ll all feel able to speak up and ask for what we need.

Leaps of Faith in Recovery

Leaps of Faith in Recovery

by | Oct 12, 2022

In one of my all-time favorite films, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, the hero, the rugged adventurer-professor Indiana Jones, is faced with a set of tasks he must complete in order to find the Holy Grail and save his father’s life. In one task, deep inside an ancient canyon, his path leads him to a statue of a lion, which stands at the edge of a wide, seemingly bottomless abyss. Across the chasm, he can see that the path continues toward his destination. A clue tells him, “Only in a leap from the lion’s head will he prove his worth.” Leaping from the lion to the other side of the abyss is impossible–the distance is far too wide for any person to jump without falling to their doom. Indiana Jones realizes that the only way forward is to take a leap of faith–to step away from the safety of solid ground and toward the void.

Talk about a recovery metaphor, right? 

There are so many points in recovery when a leap of faith is required. Stepping away from the familiarity of your eating disorder and into the vulnerable space of recovery can feel like standing at the edge of an abyss–terrifying. But, just like it was for Indiana Jones, the way forward often requires just such a step. Staying in your eating disorder ultimately keeps you stuck and barred from the rest of the journey ahead. 

So how do you take that leap of faith? What does that look like in real life?

First, you need to be honest with yourself. There is likely a part of you that knows what your next recovery leap of faith needs to be. Maybe the leap is starting therapy to get help with your eating disorder. Maybe the leap is being honest with your dietitian about eating disorder behaviors. Maybe the leap is getting rid of your scale, or deciding to commit to not counting calories. Whatever that next step iis, it’s probably something challenging, even intimidating or frightening–otherwise it wouldn’t require a leap of faith! If you can be honest with yourself about what your next step in recovery is, you’re that much closer to being able to progress. On the other hand, if you’re not being honest with yourself, you’re likely to stay stuck.

After honesty comes action. In The Last Crusade, Indiana Jones decides that in order to save his father, he has no choice but to take the leap of faith and step from the lion’s head towards the dizzyingly deep abyss. He gathers his courage, closes his eyes, and takes a deliberate step forward off the edge of the cliff, not knowing what will happen next. It is only then that he discovers that there was a bridge over the chasm after all, a bridge invisible to him until he took a step forward and found his footing. Without that step of action, the way forward would have remained unseen. In order for you to find your footing in recovery, you have to take action. 

Once you’ve been honest with yourself about what your next recovery step is, that next step needs to become a reality, not just a good idea. Remind yourself that you only need to take one step at a time. You don’t have to get through recovery in one flying leap; in fact, you can’t. That seemingly impossible leap of faith is actually a series of steps that must be taken one at a time. With each step in recovery, you can gain confidence that making it to your goal is possible, even if it seemed impossible before.

So, two invitations for you. 1) Go watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. It’s just a dang good movie. If you know, you know. 2) Do a bit of soul-searching, and get honest with yourself about what your next “leap of faith” in recovery is. As scary as that honesty might feel right now, it will help you find the path forward toward the life you deserve.

The Power of Play

The Power of Play

by | Aug 24, 2022

When was the last time you played–really played and had fun? Maybe it was recent; maybe you can’t remember the last time. Either way, let’s talk about why this therapist is coming to realize just how important play can be.

A couple of years ago, I decided to try winter hiking. I did a little research, collected some winter hiking gear, and ventured out into the snow. On one hike, I found myself alone at the trailhead. The freshly fallen blanket of powder covering the trail ahead of me was untouched, completely free of any human footprints. I had the trail to myself. I hiked up, admiring the almost surreal landscape of pristine snowdrifts, frozen streams, and tree branches adorned with glistening icicles.

After hiking up for a while, the snow became too deep for me to keep moving forward, since I only had boots, and no snow shoes. I turned around and headed back down the mountain, still with the trail completely to myself. The snow was so fresh, it felt like I was floating down the mountain, with puffs of powder flying up around my feet with each step. Spontaneously, I got the urge to run downhill. So I did! I ran, kicking up snow, feeling the spray of powder on my cheeks as I went. I found myself grinning, stretching my arms out to my sides as I ran, involuntarily laughing as I skidded and slipped along, my heart pounding and my lungs filling with cold mountain air. It was pure fun. With the trail to myself, I felt totally free to do what felt good, which apparently was to run down the mountain laughing like a little kid. 

Call it corny, but I felt SO ALIVE! By the time I neared the trailhead, a few other hikers were starting up the mountain. I slowed to a walk, but couldn’t stop myself from grinning ear to ear. I am not a naturally peppy person (like, really not), so it surprised me a bit to find myself so giddy, so energized, and so spontaneous. That, my friends, is the power of play.

My experience of cavorting down the mountain hasn’t turned into a typical occurrence, but it did provide me with an “aha” moment about the importance of adding play into my life. I’m finding that play can be a valuable element of maintaining mental wellness.

Kids, naturally, are the experts when it comes to playing and having fun. Research on play indicates a myriad of benefits for kids, including stronger development of social-emotional and problem-solving skills, more mental flexibility, and increased resilience against the effects of stress. Play has also been shown to help kids manage anxiety and worry, reduce the likelihood of experiencing depression, and foster creativity. Kids don’t care about the research, of course; they play because it’s fun, and because it’s natural.

Figuring out how to play as a grown-up has its fair share of challenges, but I’d argue that play is just as needed for adults as it is for children. Especially as we manage mental health challenges, the impact of world events, or the ever-present stresses of daily life, we could all use some of the benefits of play. When it comes to emotional wellness, play should be just as much a priority as any other form of basic self-care. Here are a few ideas to help you add more play into your grown-up life:

  • Move your body in fun ways. Dance while you clean up your kitchen. Skip instead of walking to the mailbox. Lay on the carpet and stretch in whatever way feels good.
  • Go outside and do what a kid would do. Sit on the ground and make a log cabin out of sticks. Roll down a grassy hill. Jump in a puddle, for crying out loud!
  • Play together with someone–your partner, a roommate, a friend, a niece or nephew. Make up a game together. Learn a Tik-Tok dance. Watch a movie with the sound muted and make up your own dialogue.
  • Ask your body, “What fun do you want to have?” Maybe your body wants to jump and move around. Maybe it wants to sing. Maybe it wants to flirt with your partner. Maybe it wants a spontaneous, delicious bite to eat.

Play can be like a rocket booster in times when we feel like we’re dragging ourselves through life. Those moments of true fun can feel elusive, but I believe there’s power in intentionally adding play to our lives. I hope you’ll find your “Running Down a Snowy Mountain” moments as you explore the possibilities of play!

 

References: The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children. Pediatrics September 2018