Willingness
We all tolerate discomfort for the sake of things we want or care about. A new mom forces herself up and out of bed when her newborn cries. A moviegoer tolerates sitting close to a stranger to see the latest big movie in theaters. A vacationer endures a long, uncomfortable flight to see the green hills of Ireland or the white sand beaches of Cancun. Sometimes, though, we get blocked from getting or doing something because we believe we can’t stand the discomfort that would come. For example, we forgo a deep, meaningful relationship with a sibling because it feels too difficult to have the awkward conversation about misunderstandings or painful memories that need discussing. Or we might stay at our unfulfilling job because the effort and risk of pursuing a dream career feel insurmountable. On a smaller scale, we might not pick up the novel we’ve wanted to read because it feels too boring at first, especially compared to scrolling on our phones.
Whatever the activity or goal, when we find ourselves not doing the thing we think we want to do, the concept of willingness can be helpful. Willingness means we are saying, “I agree to feel and allow the pain that comes when I try to do this thing I care about because I care so much about this thing.” The “thing” can be any relationship, activity, career, hobby, etc. – anything you care about that brings you vitality. What are you willing to feel in order to have the life you want to have? What painful emotion or difficult thought are you willing to allow to be there so that you can be the parent, friend, student, businessperson, etc, you want to be? Choosing willingness can bring meaning and purpose to the pain and discomfort rather than fear, shame, and hopelessness.
This is not to say that willingness is an easy fix. You may decide you want to approach life with willingness but still find that the emotions or painful thoughts are too powerful, too distracting, too scary. Therapy can help. With the help of a therapist, you can learn to bring down the intensity of very strong emotions, build greater control over your attention, practice acceptance of unwanted thoughts and feelings, and connect more deeply with the life you want to build and the things you care about. Each of these skills can help you bring greater willingness to the difficult experiences. With greater willingness can come a richer, more beautiful life filled with not just the pain but more of the joy, fun, meaning, and purpose that come with pursuing the life you want.