We all start out trusting ourselves, acting on our intuition, and advocating for our needs. As infants and toddlers we cry when we’re hungry or hurt, we laugh and play when we’re happy, we draw near to people we trust and avoid those we have a bad sense about. As we grow, however, we might start to feel self-conscious about our behavior, wonder if what we’re doing is “normal,” and second guess or even criticize our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. For many of us, this self-analysis turns into self-doubt and self-invalidation and disconnects us from our needs and intuition about what is best for us.

This self-invalidation often starts in your environment. You might express some idea, desire, or emotion you have, and an adult in your life responds with, “you’re not sad, you’re fine,” “you’re not hungry, you just ate,” “learning piano’s not for you,” or “no one will like you if you talk about that.” You might have learned it by watching a parent or friend discount their needs or emotional experience, saying, “I shouldn’t be sad” or noticeably controlling their excitement so they don’t look silly. Over time, you start to think this way more and more until you don’t even notice how often you tell yourself to stop being so weak, stop expecting to make good friends, stop thinking you can try for the promotion at work. Eventually, it might become hard even to know who you are and what you want – after all, you’ve spent so much time trying to beat back any spontaneous emotion or thought you have.

Luckily, just as you learned to self-invalidate, you can also learn to do the opposite – validate and honor your internal signals to help you build the life you want to live. 

Pay Attention to Your Experience

Psychologist Marsha Linehan explains that the first step of being validating, whether to yourself or others, is to pay attention. It’s easy to see how this would play out in a relationship: if your spouse or friend starts talking, you stop what you are doing, make eye contact, and listen attentively. Applied to yourself, however, it might look like stopping what you are doing and taking a few minutes to be mindful. What emotion are you feeling? How intense is it? What are your thoughts about what’s going on right now? What do you want? Really open up room in your mind and heart to consider what you are experiencing. 

Put Your Experience Into Words

Then, reflect to yourself, or put into words, what you are experiencing: “I have a strong craving for ice cream.” “I am feeling irritable.” “I don’t want to attend this social event.” Say this out loud or write it down on paper or your phone. As you start to articulate your experience, you may notice judgmental thoughts come into your mind, like “I don’t deserve a rest,” “I shouldn’t be annoyed by my children,” or “Ugh, I always want ice cream. I’m so pathetic.” Notice those thoughts, notice the urge to stop being open and instead criticize yourself, and then come back to your experience and simply describe what is happening.

Describe How Your Reaction Makes Sense Given the Circumstances

Once you have some awareness of what you are feeling and thinking, describe to yourself why your experience makes sense given your history and current circumstances. For example, “Of course I want ice cream. It’s delicious and tied to happy memories.” “It makes sense that I’m irritable; caring for small children wears most people down.” “Going to social events can be hard after a long work day. Making small talk takes effort and can be awkward.”

Decide How You Would Like to Move Forward

Finally, decide (nonjudgmentally) what the most effective way to move forward is. It may mean eating ice cream as one of your snacks. It may mean calling a babysitter to have some time to yourself. It may mean going to the event because you value connection, even when it’s awkward, or on the other hand, staying home from the event because you are feeling depleted and would like a quiet evening to prepare for the next day. The key here is taking out “should” or “have to,” but instead, taking the valid information from your thoughts and emotions and information from your values and making an effective choice in line with your long-term goals.

Like everything else, self-validation takes practice. But as you continue to pay attention to your own experience, put it into words, look for ways it makes sense, and decide how you want to move forward, you will learn to quiet that critical, invalidating voice and make choices based on what matters most to you.

Body insecurities are a universal part of being human, and no one is exempt from having moments of self-consciousness or body criticism.  Having body insecurities doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you, or with your body. However, sometimes feeling insecure about your body can start leading to shame, frustration, and avoidance in your life. If you’re feeling like you want to make a change in how you deal with body image insecurities, here are some writing activities that can help you get started. 

First, a little introduction to these activities: I talk often with my clients about how self-reflection is most fruitful when it is paired with action. It’s great to be introspective and aware of your struggles and where they come from, but stopping at self-reflection is not likely to help you make any changes. So, the activities below start with self-reflection, and are meant to lead you to take action as you deal with insecurities about your body. As always, you get to choose whether or not to do these activities and how deeply and intensely you approach them. 

Reflection: write down your thoughts about these questions.

• What things do I avoid because I feel insecure about my body?

• What experiences have I missed out on in the past because of body insecurities?

Action:

• Write down one thing you have been avoiding because of body insecurities, that you will now commit to do. For example, “I’ve been avoiding going swimming with friends, so I am going to the pool this week.”

Reflection:

• What positive or neutral experiences have I had in my body recently?

Action:

• Talk to your body out loud, and thank it for those positive or neutral experiences. Notice that your insecurities can be present alongside positive or neutral feelings.

Reflection:

• What are the experiences and relationships that have contributed to my body insecurities?

Action:

• Notice and write down the emotions that you feel as you acknowledge the origins of your body insecurities.

Your experience in your body is complex, and layered with the meaning and memories of the life you have lived. The way you feel about your body is intertwined with the many relationships, experiences, and systems your body has interacted with throughout your life. While no single journal activity is going to make insecurities about your body disappear, approaching your body insecurities with the intent to find healing is never wasted effort. 

I am a summer lover. I try to convince myself I love all seasons but summer is the most intuitive season for me to love. Summer calls me outside, and Mother Earth invites me to play. There isn’t much that makes me happier than exploring and hiking the Wasatch Wilderness at the height of summer. It is in the mountains that I most commonly experience a sense of awe. Awe is one of my favorite emotions to feel. Awe is one of those emotions that can be hard to describe, but we know it when we feel it. It can feel like a sense of wonder, inspiration, transcendence, presence, complete absorption in the present experience, humility in the awareness of something magnificent, or something that invites us beyond our normal lived experience and into something more sublime. 

Awe can be experienced in a variety of contexts, from witnessing great acts of kindness, natural phenomena, artistic masterpieces, music, spiritual practices, meditation, communal gatherings, and celebrations, to name a few.  The summertime, with its longer days and inviting weather, offers a perfect canvas for cultivating these awe-inspiring experiences. 

Awe is more than just a fleeting feeling of amazement. It has significant psychological and physiological benefits. Awe is known to increase feelings of happiness and well-being, reduce stress and anxiety, increase a sense of connection with others, boost creativity, and increase gratitude, and mindfulness. 

While awe is a feeling, we can cultivate experiences that invite awe and also attune ourselves to it so that it becomes a more common experience for us. Dacher Keltner is a researcher on awe and the author of the new book: Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life. He describes that people who frequently experience awe have traits of open-mindedness and the ability to be absorbed or get lost in experiences. We can cultivate these traits through practicing curiosity and mindfulness. We can look for and be open to moments of awe. Indeed, we can find awe in everyday moments if we look for them. 

I love these simple life instructions from the poet Mary Oliver:

Instructions For Living a Life:

Pay attention.

Be astonished.

Tell about it.

Awe is a powerful emotion that can enrich our lives in myriad ways. By intentionally seeking out awe-inspiring experiences, especially during the summertime, we can cultivate a deeper appreciation for the world around us, feel connected to ourselves and others, and enhance our overall well-being. Whether through nature, culture, travel, mindfulness, or adventure, opportunities for awe are abundant and waiting to be discovered. Embrace the summer and let the world amaze you.

Here are some ways to create these moments:

Explore nature (my personal favorite) Nature is one of the most consistent sources of awe. Whether it’s a majestic mountain range, a serene forest, or the vast ocean, natural landscapes have a way of making us feel small in the best way.

• Hiking: Find a local trail and spend an hour to a day hiking. The options are endless if you live in Utah, and the terrain varies from mountain peaks to valleys full of wildflowers and rushing waterfalls. 
• Star gazing: Stargazing in a remote area, away from city lights, can be a humbling and awe-inspiring experience.
• Water Activities: Kayaking, paddleboarding, or even just a swim in a natural body of water can provide a refreshing and awe-inducing connection with nature.

Attend Cultural Events: Summer is often filled with festivals, concerts, and outdoor performances that can evoke a sense of wonder and connection with others. For example, this September, I hope to make it to the Night Lights Lantern Festival, where I can have my own real life Disney’s Tangled moment. Other ideas include:

• Music festivals: The collective energy of a live music performance, especially in an open-air setting, can be profoundly moving. Deer Valley in Park City always hosts a summer music festival, and several venues all around Utah host outdoor summer concerts. 
• Art Installations: Visit outdoor art exhibits or public installations that invite interaction and contemplation. This can even include events as simple and local as Farmer’s Markets, where artists often show and sell their wares.

Travel and Discover: Traveling to new places, whether near or far, can offer fresh perspectives and novel experiences. This doesn’t have to be expensive or grandiose. Plan a road trip to explore unfamiliar destinations. The journey itself, with its changing landscapes and spontaneous discoveries, can be awe-inspiring. Utah has many potentially awe inspiring locations easily accessed by car. For example, I hope to visit the salt flats for a sunset sometime soon and finally see the spiral jetty in the Great Salt Lake. We are so close to several National Parks as well!

Mindful Practices. Good grief…I wonder when I will ever be consistent in my meditation practice. It’s something that is so hard for me to do…even though I know it’s very good for me. Meditation feels more doable and inviting when I do it outdoors. But meditation is also just one form of mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness…paying attention to the present moment, invites that curiosity and openness for awe in the everyday moments.

Document moments of awe. 

• Photography: I love capturing moments of beauty and wonder on camera. This practice encourages me to look at the world with fresh eyes and find awe in the details. And I can remember and relive the sense of awe I felt when I reflect on the photos I captured.
• Journal: For me, this can be how I “tell about it” from Mary Oliver’s life instructions. Reflecting on the context of moments of awe, how I felt, and what the experience meant to me can amplify its importance and translate the experience into more meaning for me. 

What other ideas do you have?